Saturday, August 14, 2010


All right, I'm breaking down and doing a life post.  Because frankly life matters more to me than the wedding right now.

I'm not the girl who always had a million friends.  I'm the girl who always had a few close friends with whom I had cultivated friendships over many years.

Given the length of time I tend to put into relationships, the fact that I move constantly (I have lived in this apartment almost a year which is the longest I've lived in one place since high school) makes life difficult for me in the making friends department.  I've gotten a lot better at it since starting college, but it's still difficult for me to feel close to someone that I know I'm only going to be around for a few months.  Add to that the fact that starting a friendship is like work to me and that I really just wanted to be around Daniel this year after being apart for two years, and you'll see why I've had trouble making friends here.

That is, until recently.

My life is generally ruled by irony.  So of course of the five jobs I've had in Chicago, the last one is the one in which I've met people I really like.  Don't get me wrong, there are some people from other jobs that I've cultivated friendships with and that I still hang out with, but it wasn't until I started working at the census that I really found my niche.

Not that my job is glamorous or anything, but given the current economic suckiness, there are a lot of smart, capable, well-educated people working at the census.  And the people I work with are really amazing.

We get on really well.  We have for a long time, but it wasn't until people started leaving that we all started hanging out together outside of work (See?  See the irony that is my life?).  So now I actually care about these people, and I'm totally going to miss them when I leave in two weeks, and I'm also probably never going to see them again.


And now comes my lame attempt to tie this into marriage.  You see, I'm one of those people who tends to get really wrapped up in their relationship (read:  when I'm in a relationship, I kind of ignore my friends).  I've made an effort to limit this effect since I've been with Daniel because things were always going to be more permanent with Daniel, and I didn't want to look back on my life at some point and realize I have no close friends.

Still, I worry.  During my second year of college, the first year Daniel and I were together, I definitely used him as too singular a source of entertainment.  When we were apart, and I didn't have him to fall back on, I definitely created stronger friendships with other people, one of whom will be a bridesmaid.  But this year I've fallen back to my old ways a little more than I probably should have.

This is actually bad for our relationship.  We love spending time together, so it's easy for us to only hang out with each other.  However, there are some interests that we just don't share, and it's good to have friends with whom we can do the things the other doesn't care for.  And of course it's always good to have friends anyway!

I worry that married life will lead me to not have close friends down the road.  I have reason:  my parents.  Neither of them really hang out with anyone else.  This can be a problem as my dad is gone half the year, especially since I'm not living anywhere near home anymore, and my brother has been the very definition of a teenager since I left, and now he's going to college too.  My mom says she doesn't mind being alone, but she still gets lonely sometimes.

I could easily become that after having kids, and I really don't want to.

So I've made a pact with myself to not let my friends slip away after I get married or even after I have kids.  They're too important for that, and so is having people in my life besides family.

Ah, but here comes that irony again.  As I've said before, I really want to travel.  Traveling means making new friends...that you will never or rarely see again when you come home.  Something I've definitely already experienced.

I'm pretty good at keeping in touch with people long distance, but when you have to keep in touch with EVERYONE that way, it just becomes too much.  You have to pick and choose, and there's still a lot of work that goes into the people you do choose, and sometimes I just can't bring myself to make all the phone calls or write all the letters or emails or whatever (read:  I'm sorry I haven't made contact with you for three months, forgive me, I'm coming home soon!).

It's easy to let the far away people go.

But if you travel all the time, that's everyone.

And it is for that reason that it's probably good that Daniel doesn't want to spend a big chunk of our lives traveling.  Because close, personal relationships are important to me, and the longer I'm away from my friends at home, and the more it pains me to say goodbye to my friends here, the more I think it might be good for me to be grounded.  Because in the end, relationships really do matter more than touching all seven continents.

I guess that's kind of why I'm getting married so young.

People I Miss
All Personal Photos or Friends' Personal Photos


  1. I don't have a lot of friends here in Japan for various reasons, but I guess one of them is because Dave and I are attached at the hip. I have a gaggle of close girlfriends back in California that I miss dearly but I think the dynamics of our relationship have changed because so much has happened in the three years I've gone away. We've all changed so much, especially me now that I'm married. While I love my girlfriends, I really hope to make some new married friends. Actually, it would be great to have friends all over- that's why I think having travel friends, friends back at home, work friends, etc. is not such a bad idea!

  2. Lately, David and I have re-kindled or created new friendships with people who we enjoy spending time with together - groups from church, individual friends of ours who have a significant other whom we get along with, etc - and it's fun to spend time with other people and still be with your spouse (kinda like our double date deal in santa cruz as pictured above was the best day. ever.)

    BUT I still absolutely crave/value/love the time with my own friends apart from David. Next week, I'm taking a few days off work to spend time with my best high school friends in LA. Sure, it will be hard to be away from David for awhile (and I wonder what state our poor house will be in when I return), but I am so excited to have that time with my dear friends when I can be a different form of myself with them. Ya know? I'm still me, but there are certain friends where you can just be a certain way with and be comfortable.

    Yeah, anyway, I think friendships are just as important in a person's life as their relationship with their spouse. I think there are certain times and things that having a girl friend by your side to vent to may even save your marriage. And yeah, it's great to find other married friends to hang out with, but cultivating and keeping your individual friends is indeed very important.

  3. it made me feel happy to see myself on your list :)

    i understand. last week i spent all week with mostly derek, besides him working or going out to coffee once or twice. but then friday night rolled around and derek had to work late, so he missed dinner with me and some friends. and it made me really sad that i didn't get to spend friday night with him! i know it doesn't make sense -- i spent all week with him, so i should be fine giving myself over to an evening with friends. there are things i can't talk about with him that i can with other friends, partly because he hasn't been through college like we have. i need to remind myself that i need those friends.

    love you and hope to see you soon :)


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