Was It Worth It?

Our first anniversary is fast approaching, and as it does, I reflect upon the experience and upon a simple question that I have been asked.

Was it worth it?

As you've probably figured out from all of my complaining, this wedding was a pretty stressful experience for me.  I put a ton of work into it, and for the last two months, I didn't sleep, I lost weight, I was constantly thinking and worrying about it, trying to get it all together the way we envisioned it.  Several people have asked me whether it was all worth it, whether I'm glad I sacrificed all those hours to create the wedding I wanted, the wedding we wanted.  Well, now that it's been almost a year, I've had enough time to reflect and produce an answer.

The short answer is that nothing is ever worth putting yourself through that kind of stress.  But that's more of a problem with me than anything to do with the wedding.  I get stressed out easily and often for things that aren't really worth it.  I also get stressed out intensely for things that I care about, and for something that lasts as long as planning a wedding, it's even more brutal because the end is such a long time coming.  AND you have to enjoy it when it gets there which just adds to the pressure.

So you see the problem in the way that I think.  I've been fighting the stress monster for a long time, and no matter what kind of wedding we had, that was going to be an issue.  But if I was going to do it again--and I so dearly hope I'll never need to--I'd try to be more relaxed about it, both the planning process and our plans themselves.  Then again, I've already had the wedding I wanted, so it wouldn't be such a burden to do it again...and so lies the problem with weddings; they only happen once.

But my problems were always going to be my problems.  Whether I should have worked harder to abait them does not necessarily tell us whether the wedding we had was worth all that went into it because those problems would have been there for any wedding I had.  There is a greater question to answer here:  was the work I (and I say I instead of we not because we didn't put in a lot of work but because Daniel doesn't need to dwell on this question) put into the wedding worth the result?

That answer is much more complicated.  Obviously, stress is a pretty strong deterring factor here, but it's not the only factor.  I spent hours and hours planning and preparing this wedding, hours of research, hours of projects, hours that could have been spent on more enjoyable endeavors.  Then there's the money factor too.  We didn't spend a ton of our personal money on the wedding, but $5,000 is still a lot when you're not making much.  And of course we made our friends put in time and money as well.  Was it all really worth it?

I think most of my friends and family will be surprised to hear that I think it was.

Yes, it was stressful and time-consuming, but the result was the best party I've ever been to, and we loved it.  While it wasn't perfect, nothing went terribly wrong, and that was largely due to my strenuous logistical planning.  While there were things we didn't have and things we would have liked if we could afford them, I don't think there's any object or piece of decor that we felt was missing or inadequate.  The wedding looked and felt very much the way we wanted it to.  Everything ran fairly smoothly, and the things that did go wrong probably could never have been avoided.

When it comes down to it, we never could have had the wedding we wanted without all of the planning and time we put into it.  If I did have to do it again, I wouldn't feel like I was making up for anything significant because we couldn't afford it or didn't have time for it the first time around.  When I think back on my wedding day, I think of it as one of the best days of my life.  Not the best, but it's definitely up there.

That's important to me.  Being not only happy but also satisfied about the way it turned out, that makes it all worth it for me.

So the long, emotional, and complicated answer is "Yes, it was worth it."  The planning sucked at the end, the stress was awful, but at the end of the day, it was only bad for two months.  I will look happily upon my wedding day for the rest of my life.

Hey Mr. DJ

Music is most definitely the area in which we procrastinated most.  And by "we," I mean Daniel.  This was his big job, and though I offered to take more of a leading role after what happened with his mom, he wanted to do it himself.

And so it was that we were still working on it on the drive up to Tiburon the day before the wedding.

But we got it done, and it actually worked out quite well.

We didn't want to waste money on a DJ and knew we couldn't afford a band, so we decided to do the music ourselves, iPod-style.  This was one of the easiest ways to save money, and I definitely think it was worth it.

To put our dancing music together, we basically went through my iTunes and threw songs that we liked and would be good for dancing into a folder.  We consulted a few friends as well and added their contributions, and we bought a few songs that we knew we wanted.  After all of that, we had seven hours of dancing music.

We only had two-and-a-half hours of dancing time to fill, so the hard part became narrowing down the list.  Some songs were easy to throw out, mostly the ones that I had put in because I think they're funny and not because they are good for dancing.  Or listening to.  Especially for people who don't get the joke (for instance, Skullcrusher Mountain).

However, once we got down to four hours, it became harder to get rid of songs.  We tried to keep the ones that we both really liked or were good for dancing or one of us REALLY wanted to keep.  Still, we had to let go of some gems, like Once upon a Dream (what can I say, I'm Disney-obsessed), Do You Believe in Magic?, and Thriller (that was a tough one for me, especially since my dad promised to dance to it).

We tried to group songs into categories like fun songs, slow songs, contemporary songs (of which there were, like, three), older songs, and songs beloved by all.  We distributed as evenly as we could, taking into account lulls for cake cutting and serving dessert and such.

Finally, after many sacrifices and much redistributing, we got our list down to the bare minimum and in a good order.

And despite the fact that Daniel hadn't even started on the list until six days before the wedding, the music actually worked out really well.  Lots of people told us that they liked our list, and there was literally no time when the dance floor was empty.  I know because I danced to every single song we played.

I know it can be tough to think of songs sometimes, so I've posted our list below for your stealing pleasure.  This is the list we had before the night started mind you, and not all of these songs got played due to circumstances beyond our control.  But that's a story for another time.

Our Dancing Playlist:

At Last by Etta James (our first dance)
I Gotta Feeling by The Black Eyed Peas
Walking on Sunshine by Katrina and the Waves
Twist and Shout by The Beatles
Hava Nagila (aka The Hora for us gentile folk)
Beyond the Sea by Bobby Darin
Brown Eyed Girl by Van Morrison
Proud Mary by Tina Turner
Don't Stop Believing by Journey
When I Fall in Love by Nat King Cole
Butterfly Kisses by Bob Carlisle (father/daughter dance)
Y.M.C.A. by The Village People (I had to fight for this one.  It was awesome.)
Just Like Heaven by The Cure
Mambo #5 by Lou Bega
You Sexy Thing by Hot Chocolate
I Can't Help Myself by Four Tops
A Whole New World from Aladdin (I had to)
Fly Me to the Moon by Frank Sinatra
California Gurls by Katy Perry
Say "Shava Shava" from Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham (Bollywood song, will explain later)
Livin' La Vida Loca by Ricky Martin
I Melt with You by Modern English
Anyone Else but You by The Moldy Peaches (very glad I fought for this one)
Jump in the Line by Harry Belafonte
Macarena by Los Del Rio (Shut up!  Everyone danced to it!)
I Love Rock and Roll by AC DC
Pon de Replay by Rihanna
I'm a Soul Man by James Brown
Can't Help Falling in Love by Elvis Presley
I Will Follow You into the Dark by Death Cab for Cutie
Old Time Rock and Roll by Bob Seger
Cha Cha Slide by Mr. C (had to fight for this too, and it was awesome as expected)
Lady Marmalade from Moulin Rouge
Are You Gonna Be My Girl by Jet
Tubthumping (I Get Knocked Down) by Chumbawamba
My Girl by The Temptations
Somewhere over the Rainbow/What a Wonderful World by Israel Kamakawiwo'ole
So Long and Thanks for All the Fish from Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (while people left...or were supposed to)

As you can probably tell, I did a lot more fighting for my songs, songs that some might consider lame...because THEY are lame...*sticks tongue out*, than Daniel did, but I'm really glad we had some of those classic group dancing songs (like YMCA) because a ton of people danced to them.  AND a ton of older people danced to them.  I'm glad they were able to have fun too.

The only thing I would have done differently with our playlist is cut some of the longer songs.  "The Macarena" is a prime example of a song that was fun but did not need to be six minutes long.  This would have allowed us to keep more songs that we wanted but had to cut without sacrificing the long songs entirely.  Alas, we ran out of time.

Overall, this was one of the things that turned out well with limited effort.

How did you pick your music?  If you did a iPod wedding, did it work out for you?  Would you dance to the Macarena or YMCA?

Cards of Doom

Of all the things that I really should have spent less time on, our escort and place cards top the list.  These babies gave me nothing but trouble.

I knew for a long time that I wanted to use the clothes line approach to escort cards.  You know, this guy:

Photo by Laura

It's practically a wedding cliche here in blogworld, but no one at the wedding had ever seen one before.  That part worked out pretty well.

Then there were the cards themselves.  It took me a long time to decide how to do them.  You see, early on, I had this idea that we could use the backs of the cards for people to write us a note.  I hate traditional guest books.  They're like middle school yearbooks; no one knows what to say besides, "Congratulations!  May you have many happy years together" (and HAGS).  I knew I wanted our guests to be able to write something thoughtful and to have a prompt in case they couldn't think of something to say.  We wrote questions for them to answer and slapped them on the backs of the place cards so that they could write in their seats, giving them time to think.  We told them they could write whatever they wanted, but the questions ensured we wouldn't just be getting, "Congratulations" over and over again.

I also thought early on that it would be fun to do a Danicole quiz and have a prize for whoever could answer all of our trivia questions correctly.  It would give people something to do while they were at the tables and might even spark conversations between people who didn't know each other.  So why not do that on the backs of the escort cards?  I thought this would be a great way to save time and money.

Then there was the tricky part:  picking out escort/place cards.  I put WAY too much thought into this.  The trouble was, they had to be big enough for people to write on them but small enough to not dominate the place settings.  We had to be able to put them in a scrapbook afterward, and of course, we didn't want to spend a lot of money or time on them.  We ended up going with a design we had rejected for our invites and printing them on postcards from 123print.com.  Cheap, easy, all we had to do was print everyone's names and table numbers on them.  What could go wrong?

Our Danicole Quiz

Our Guest Book Cards

So, when I ordered these cards, there were two things I did not take into account and should have:  size and glossiness.  You see, it had never occurred to me that they would be too small for printers to print on.  I also did not realize that since I was ordering postcards, the fronts would be glossy, and that would be hard to print on too.  But when I started looking for someone to print our guests' names on them, all of the printers I found were quick to point out these problems to me.  No one would touch them.  One person even told me I might want to scrap them and start anew.

This was 2-3 weeks before the wedding.  I was so scared I wouldn't be able to get them done.  Finally, I gave up, went to Staples, bought labels, and was about to just print all of the names out on them when I realized Staples did printing.  I was already there.  I figured I'd ask them if they could print on the cards.

And finally, someone said, "yes."  I owe Estella, the printing person I talked to, quite a bit for working with me to not only print them but to edit my word documents so that they would print in the right place.  Relieved, I went home to make 170 precisely-spaced word documents.

So, the week of the wedding rolled around, and I still hadn't had the cards printed.  I knew I was pushing it, but because of our coordinator issues, we hadn't been able to finalize the seating charts yet.  Finally, the Monday before, I took them to Staples to be printed.

I had hoped to speak with Estella again, but she wasn't there, and the replacement person was not as helpful.  She did not seem to know what she was doing.  I wrote out instructions and made her put them with my cards.  When I said I needed them the next day, she practically laughed at me.  I said Estella said it wouldn't be a problem.  She said they needed more time.  We agreed on Wednesday night as a pick up time which left about 36 hours before I had to leave for Tiburon.  No time for screw ups.  Then, we had a minor crisis when half of the files on my flash drive seemed to disappear, but after 15 highly tense minutes, I figured out what had happened and left my babies with the printer.  To say I was apprehensive would be a major understatement.  Better to say I was convinced they would be done wrong.  Alas, at that point, I had no choice.

Pick up time came on Wednesday.  I called to see if they were ready.  The response was highly worrisome.  Turns out, they had fucked up as expected.  I gave them a few hours to fix it and then went over there myself.  It wasn't as bad as it could have been.  They had managed to copy the design pretty effectively and were making replacements.  At first, I was overwhelmed by the seemingly impossible task of figuring out what exactly was wrong, but then I realized that for the most part, the fronts had been printed correctly, but they had switched the backs of the place cards and escort cards so that the former had the quiz and the latter had the questions.  Not a big deal.  Still, it took me hours to sort out which ones had been done like that and which had the wrong fronts or were missing.  In the end, we were able to get the fronts and backs to match, but it took hours.

This was three days before the wedding.  I so did not need this kind of trouble at that point.

In the end, everyone had a place card...

and an escort card...

and though it took way too fucking long to get them done, it looked like they were going to be OK.

I should have known better than to leave the unwanted cards (i.e. the fucked up ones) in the same box as the good ones when I dropped them off at Guayma's.  They were in totally separate piles, and I certainly thought it looked like the correct place cards were the ones that were supposed to be used.  There were so many more of them after all.  They were all together.  The unwanted ones were just a small pile in the corner.  Separated.  Pushed aside.  We had already put up the escort cards.  Surely, no one would mistake the bad ones for good.

Thankfully, I didn't realize that the venue had screwed up with the place cards until after the wedding when we were looking through the notes people had left us.  I think everyone got the right name and back at least, but the venue used some place cards with just people's names on them (correct) and some with the name and the name of the table (which I had just worked so hard to fix, damn them!).

I know it's not a big thing, but after all the work I put into these, especially right before the wedding when I had better things to do, I was pissed.  This is one of the Three Things That Went Wrong the day of the wedding that still makes me angry when I think about it.  I've tried to let it go, but...argh!

Nonetheless, I am glad we did the quiz and questions on the cards.  The quiz was fun, especially since no one got all five questions right, and we got some great responses for our guest book.  Way better than a regular guest book.  I just wish we had found an easier way to do them.

Was there something at your wedding that took wayyyyyy longer than it should have?  Major (or minor) fuck-ups that you can't let go of?  Care to try your hand at our quiz?

Why I gave up on my principles and got alterations at the bridal salon

Everyone has a wedding issue that they end up throwing money at.  Mine is alterations.  Actually, I guess mine is my dress since I now own 2 of them AND am going to pay way more than desired for alterations.

Originally, I was like, "Pshaw, I don't need to get alterations at the bridal salon!  There must be somewhere good that does them cheaper!"

Of course, when my dress came in a size too big, things became more complicated.  Now, if you remember, I had a choice between getting alterations at the bridal salon and having them fit the bodice to me or having the bridal salon alter my dress down a size and getting the other alterations somewhere else.  If you'll remember further, I was not too happy with said bridal salon the last time I spoke about this.

But in the end, the only thing that made sense was to do the alterations through the bridal salon.  Having them fit the bodice to me means I won't have to further alter the bust which will probably make up for the added alteration cost.

But the thing that really sold me was when I started looking into alternations alternatives (hardy har har), the only places I felt confidant taking my dress were just as expensive, if not more so.  The dress is still really important to me, and I want to make sure it looks the way it's supposed to.  A shotty alteration job to save money really isn't an option.

I also feel a bit better about it because I'm not really going through the salon, just using one of their recommended places.  In fact, one of the places was already on my list of potential alterations places.  Knowing I'm not giving any more money to the salon is definitely helpful.

And so the moral of the story is alterations are fucking expensive.  Budget a lot for them, or you will be sorry later.  Oh, and buy a dress with a corset back.

What did you do about alterations?  Were you able to find a way to save money without compromising your dress?

Vacationing among Eight Rivers

Wow, we have been so productive this week!  We finished ordering bridesmaid dresses AND booked our honeymoon!

Which is good because we really should have done both weeks ago.

I have really been dragging my feet on booking our honeymoon, partly because I kept obsessively checking the Sandals website to see if prices had gone down but also because relying on the honeymoon registry makes it difficult to determine a budget.

We have only set aside $1,000 for our honeymoon and have been trying to determine how much we can count on from our guests.  Having no idea how to make that determination, we asked a few couples who got married recently and had similar guest lists to ours about their gift cash flow.  From their reports, we basically can guarantee that we'll get $1,000 cash and think it would be reasonable to assume we'll get $1,500.

With a $2,500 budget in mind, we went to a travel agent.  I know, who does that these days, right?  The thing is, with our Sandals dream just out of reach, we did not know where to go to find a good replacement.  I have a AAA membership which gives me free access to their travel services, so we figured we'd give them a shot.

We were pleasantly surprised to find that they were in fact cheaper than booking online!  At this point, I knew all of the Sandals options by heart, and AAA's rates were a good $300 cheaper for a 5 night stay.  Unfortunately, Sandals was still out of our price range, but the travel agent helped us find other nice, all-inclusive resorts in the Caribbean that were A LOT cheaper.  We left with some good options and the delightful feeling that, yes, it was possible for us to have the honeymoon we wanted.

Unfortunately, we literally visited AAA the day before we moved up to San Jose, and by the time things were settled enough for us to revisit booking our honeymoon, prices had skyrocketed.  Of everything we've done so far, booking our honeymoon is what I most regret waiting on.  However, there was an advantage:  of the resorts we were looking at, only 1 now fit into our budget, making the choice much easier.

Of course, I use the word "fit" loosely here.  You see, a 5 night stay would suit our $2,500 budget nicely.  But both of us really wanted at least 6 nights and ideally 7.

Daniel and I have had a lot of, shall we say, discussions about wedding stuff, but none have been as heated as those regarding the budget.  You guys know by now that my budgeting frustrations and fears are outstripped only by my feelings about the guest list.  Daniel does not share my on-the-brink-of-losing-it worries, particularly when it comes to gifts.

7 nights at our resort plus airfare costs about $2,800.  I think expecting enough to pay for that is being a bit too optimistic, but Daniel is confident that we will receive at least enough to cover it and that if we don't, he and I will have no trouble covering the leftovers.  Despite my financial pessimism, he convinced me to book 7 nights.  I'm still scared we won't get enough to cover it, but I guess the worst that can happen is that we'll have to put a few hundred dollars on a credit card for a few months.

OK, enough worrying, time to look at pretty pictures of our resort:  Riu Ocho Rios

source

This was actually my first choice after Sandals anyway.  It's in Ocho Rios, Jamaica which is nice because it has better scuba diving, has more stuff to do, and is a little safer than the places we were looking in the Dominican Republic.

The resort looks pretty nice.  Not as romantic and awesome as Sandals, but I still think we'll be happy with it.

source

The swim-up bar was a requirement for me.  I mean really, what's a Caribbean vacation if you can't drink tropical beverages in the pool?

I hope we have money to do some excursions too.  One way or another, I am climbing up this waterfall:

source

But if we are totally broke when we go on our honeymoon, at least the resort has fun activities.  I have always wanted to try windsurfing.

source

I am so glad we decided to go with an all-inclusive resort.  It will be so much more relaxing not to have to think about how much we're spending on food and drinks, and when you think about it, the prices are really reasonable.  We're paying less than $300/night for a nice resort AND unlimited food and alcohol.  That is better than just the room price at a lot of equally nice resorts in the U.S.

And even though we're going to the Caribbean during hurricane season, neither of us could give up those lovely, tropical white sand beaches.  But, um, cross your fingers there isn't a hurricane while we're there.

Mmmmm, pretty.  Can we go now?

How did you decide on a honeymoon location?  Did you do a honeymoon registry?  If so, did you share my budgetary concerns?

Over-analyzing Stop Motion Save the Date Videos

I have noticed a very interesting trend in Save the Date videos.  In an age when computer-generated animation is becoming increasingly prevalent (even Disney says they're through with hand-drawn animation :( ), stop motion STD (I'm sorry for the abbreviation, but it's just so damn convenient) videos seem to be taking the wedding world by storm.

OK, maybe that's a bit hyperbolic.  After all, only a very small percentage of couples even use STD videos.  However, of those who do, a significant number have made stop motion videos.

Now, I'm a film studies major who wrote as many papers as possible on animation (I once wrote a ten-page film theory paper on The Lion King), so forgive me if I'm delving too deep into analysis here.  But this trend toward stop motion STD videos surprises me for two reasons.

One is that stop motion films are incredibly time-consuming.  You have to set up each frame by hand, and it can take hours to get thirty seconds of material.

The other is that using stop motion requires a surprising level of creativity.  Since they've virtually disappeared from Hollywood cinema (Tim Burton is the only significant exception), I'm surprised so many people thought of it.  Of course, I may have come across all of the other film major's STD videos, or maybe someone started the trend, and the others saw their work and copied the idea.

Regardless, I've been very impressed by them.  You have simple, cutesy ones like this:

 

 LEGOs Seem Particularly Popular

However, you also get really artsy stuff that looks like it belongs in an avant-garde film festival:

Gotta Love Vampire Weekend

So why are people making such time-consuming films?  And why are they making them so damn long (seriously, you do not need to take four minutes to get the point across)?

As to the latter question, I will keep my opinion to myself out of respect to the filmmakers.  But I think I've got a handle on the former.

Stop motion may take forever, but it is very easy to make well, especially on a low budget.  The biggest thing the above films have in common aside from the mode of filmmaking is that both use household items as their props.  It doesn't get much less expensive than a few LEGO people or some clothing.  Stop motion allows couples to make a cute, unique STD without spending much if any money.

It's the budget bride's dream come true.

Since most people don't avidly search YouTube for STD videos, and also because Hollywood has given up on stop motion, making your STD using this mode of filmmaking creates a completely unique look.  Indeed, you can even make it look professional much more easily than using people.  Fewer variables to deal with.  If you do it right, you won't even need to edit the film.  Add in the low cost, and now I'm surprised more people aren't doing it.

So newly engaged folks, if you want to make unforgettable STDs without shelling out much cash, just jump on the stop motion bandwagon.

And if you've made it through all that, I hereby dub you an honorary member of the Berkeley Film Department.  Or at least I would if Berkeley actually had a Film Department (we're smushed in with Rhetoric.  It's really embarrassing).

Sound reasonable?  Other ideas about why people would produce stop motion STD videos?

Budget Envy

Sometimes I get jealous of people who obviously have higher budgets than we do.  Not even high budgets, just average (average = $25,000, apparently).

I am all for everyone using whatever funds they have at their disposal for their wedding and am totally happy that they can have what we cannot.  And I've got to admit, I would feel like I failed somehow if we were spending any more than we are.  Because weddings are so ridiculously expensive, and I feel like if I can do it well for less, I should.

Still, when I see posts about people's pre-packaged ball rooms with chivari chairs, color-coordinated napkins, and fancy centerpieces included, it makes me think about the wedding I really wanted to have.  The wedding with a perfect ocean view, no budget for my dress, an open bar all night, a week-long honeymoon at Sandals Grand Caribbean, and large, cascading flowery centerpieces.  The wedding where we could order colored napkins and round tables even though they're extra and pay for someone else to make the centerpieces (working on flowers = much thought of centerpieces).  Or at least the wedding that would allow us to pay for everyone's parking or ship our guests over to Catalina (yes, I still dream about having the wedding there, so shoot me).

Our wedding is going to be beautiful, unique, very us, and much, much nicer than I thought it would be.  I'm very satisfied with the amount our budget has settled at, and I'm so grateful for everything we're going to have.  Our wedding will be almost everything I wanted it to be.

Almost.

Sometimes, I just wish we could actually have "the dream."

At least for the ceremony location.

Oh well.

Sorry about the ranty, disjointed posting of today.  I'm blogging under the influence of exhaustion and do not care enough to wait to post until sober.

Thoughts?  Agreement?  Empathy?  Sympathy?  Shut up you bitchy whiner?

Organization Is My Friend

You may have noticed from my lack of enthusiastic posting lately that I've been in a bit of a wedding hiatus.  Between surgery, recovery, moving, and the bar exam, the wedding just has not been a high priority.  But now I can feel the clock ticking with ever-increasing voracity, and now that we are, if not settled, at least at a permanent residence (permanent = 1 year in Nicoleland), it is time to kick the wedding stuff into high geer.

And so this week I set out to take care of some things that should have been taken care of long ago.  Among these are a complete list of everything that must be done before and during the wedding and a complete spreadsheet with all of our foreseeable expenses.

Most bloggers I know describe themselves as having a "type-A" personality.  I hate this phrase.  Mostly because I hate the kinds of tests that determine these things.  However, the shoe fits in my case.  I need order, I need structure, and I need organization, or I just get frustrated.

Now that I have everything written down and sorted, I feel much better about this whole wedding business, and I am ready to tackle my Knot list.  Especially since we now have a thorough and comprehensive budget that actually puts us within our means.  Yay for not going over budget!

Today:  order.  Tomorrow:  invitations, registries, honeymoon, and bridesmaid dresses.

And job applications.

What helps you keep from being overwhelmed?  Is there a system you use(d) to help you remember everything?

Nicole and Andrew's Wedding

Hello Everyone!  I am alive!  You probably figured I was since posts have been going up, but everything's actually been on autopilot since I went into the hospital, so this is my real return to blogland.  The surgery went really well, and I am still in possession of BOTH fallopian tubes, so my fertility is secure for now.  Recovery, however, has been significantly worse than I expected and just sitting at the computer is still a strain.  Fortunately, my friend Nicole finally sent me a guest post on her and Andrew's wedding, so she's going to do my job for me today.  I've mentioned their wedding before.  It was the first one I went to after meeting Daniel, and both the bride and the groom will be in our wedding party.  Nicole and Andrew got married right out of college, so they had to do everything on a really tight budget, and let me tell you, that is no mean task in the Bay Area.  Nonetheless, they pulled it off beautifully.  But Nicole can tell it much better than I can...P.S.  All photos were provided by Nicole, so I do not know who took many of them, so let's just assume none of you actually care.

(editor's note:  Nicole and Andrew were the first BookWorlds marriage, Daniel and I will be the second, and the most likely third is a couple named Nicole and Jorge.  Coincidence that all three are with a Nicole?  I think not.)

The Meet: Andrew and I originally met our freshmen year at Berkeley, in a class about "The Lord of the Rings." We became friends through this love of Tolkien, as well as our uncanny ability to end up living in the same neighborhood. (Our first year we were in adjoining dorms, our second we ended up living within one block of each other near the Ashby BART.) We didn't start dating until our sophomore year.

The Engagement: In our junior year, we decided to study abroad together in Copenhagen, Denmark. At the end of our semester, we took a five week spin around Europe, ending up in Paris on New Year's Eve. That night, in sight of the Eiffel Tower, on the banks of the Seine, at the stroke of midnight, Andrew proposed to me with a ring he had bought earlier that day in Paris, as well as a book ("Bilbo's Song") that I had previously stipulated would be given to me by my betrothed someday.  (editor's note:  Daniel is still mad at Andrew for ruining all future proposals by making theirs so perfect)

The Planning: We agreed we wouldn't be married until after we graduated, so that left a little time before I was allowed any planning. We started our preparations about 15 months in advance, and Andrew was involved in every step of the way, which made for some interesting disagreements. Like many couples, the biggest concern was the guest list. Andrew had many more friends and family members than I, and he seemed intent to invite them all. In the end, we invited around 100-125 people, with about 75 showing up. 

 (editor's note:  That's my Daniel as Best Man up there)

The Wedding Party: As I mentioned above, Andrew has a lot of friends, so naturally he wanted to include them all in the wedding. We compromised at having five groomsmen and the same number of bridesmaids. I chose Sarah, my best friend from college, as my maid of honor, and two other college friends, Anna and Cynthia as bridesmaids. I really wanted to include my best friend from high school, Val, who is like my little sister, and my cousin Amber, with whom I spent most of my childhood, so that nicely made up the five girls in the wedding party. Unfortunately, with two bridesmaids in SoCal and one in England, it made planning difficult. I managed to get by with Cynthia and Sarah for a long time, but about three months before the wedding, Cynthia and I had a big fight, and she dropped out of the wedding (never travel with friends, it's a bad idea). This was really hard on me, and while we eventually resolved our problems, we didn't get everything worked out in time for her to be in the wedding. We decided to balance our wedding party; we'd have our Best Man, Daniel (Nicole's fiancé) stay at the altar with Andrew on the Big Day, thus leaving four groomsmen to accompany my four bridesmaids. Andrew's cousin Savannah was the flower girl, and my brother Ricky walked me down the aisle. The best wedding party decision we made was to have our friend Sue officiate the wedding. Sue has always been like a mother to us both, and had given us lots of useful advice over the years, and we felt she was the person who knew us the best as a couple.

The Budget: Andrew and I had managed to save about $5,000 for the wedding, and we were convinced we could do our wedding on this budget. Thankfully, we had some help. Andrew's dad paid for the alcohol and the rehearsal dinner (total about $1,000), while my parents paid for and prepared the reception food ($500). A good friend paid about $300 for our flowers, which she arranged herself, including bouquets, and my grandmother chipped in $350 for our amazing Katrina Rozelle cake and made all the table runners herself. Despite this generous support, when all was said and done, Andrew and I ended up putting about $3,000 on our credit card to pay for our wedding, but were able to pay most of that off within a month of the wedding, thanks to wedding cash and stable jobs.

The Venue: It was important to us that we be married in the Berkeley area, since so much of our relationship had formed there. We scouted some sites, and finally found the perfect one: The Redwood Grove at the UC Berkeley Botanical Gardens. Andrew loves trees, especially redwoods, and the connection with our alma mater sealed the deal for us. For the reception, we went a little farther afield to Oakland, to the Lake Merritt Boathouse, which had enough space, a kitchen, and a lakeside view. 

The Cake: The cake deserves a separate post by itself, as Nicole will surely tell you. We had resigned ourselves to a Costco cake, but still wanted to look around a little. One day, we happened upon Katrina Rozelle, and they had time for a free cake tasting. Well, the taste of these cakes was unlike anything I'd ever tasted in wedding cakes, and we were in heaven after a few bites. The prices were out of our budget, but the store worked with us to find something that was within our budget. Mainly by having only two big layers instead of three were we able to pull out a cake that fed 100+ people and was under $400. Since our colors were gold and blue (Go Bears!), we opted for some simple piping and let our elegant cake topper and some rose petals do the rest. We were really happy with the cake, though I had hoped for some fondant.

The Dress: In a lot of ways, the dress was the easiest part of the wedding process. When my mother remarried, I went dress shopping with her and saw a picture of my ideal dress. I stole the picture from the store and had it saved for a couple of years before I even met Andrew. Thus, when it was time to get married, I knew exactly what I wanted. I was especially pleased that the dress seemed to fit my relationship with Andrew: romantic and somewhat fantastical. Of course, finding the dress was the actual hard part. It had basically been discontinued except in some very expensive boutiques, and I gave up hope of finding it for a while. I half-heartedly tried on some other dresses and browsed around, but nothing really struck me in the same way. Finally, one day I gave EBay a try, and sure enough, there was my dress! In my size! For only $350! I was a little apprehensive about ordering a dress without actually being able to try it on first, but it all turned out fine. Other than being too long, it fit me perfectly and I practically cried every time I tried it on. I had to pay some extra money to have it cleaned, pressed, and most importantly, hemmed and bustled, but the extra $150 for this was completely worth it.

The Ceremony: I feel like our ceremony was a very personal one. Since neither of us are religious, we knew we didn't want any references to God in our wedding (this was another reason we wanted a friend to marry us instead of a clergyman). We had musically inclined friends playing a song from "The Lord of the Rings" as I walked down the aisle. I had really wanted to include my mother and grandmother in my wedding, since I'm very close to both, and the best way was to have them assemble my bouquet for me when I reached the altar. Our officiant had prepared some very personal words that really described our relationship well. We wrote our own vows, which were a big cause for stress, believe me, but totally worth it. We also had our guests swear a community vow to help us in our marriage, which I think was a nice way to include our friends and families in our wedding and it made the wedding seem more than just about me and Andrew.

The Reception: We had a lag time between the ceremony and reception, because we needed the time to get over to Oakland to set up the reception venue, and we wanted to give our guests time to rest or eat lunch before the dinner. A handful of faithful friends and the entire wedding party plus their significant others all joined us in transforming the Boathouse into a blue and gold dance hall. My step-dad and aunt got right into the kitchen to prepare the evenings meal, fettuccini alfredo with salad and bread, while others decorated the tables, arranged chairs, and set out drinks and appetizers. I really liked that our food table was internationally themed, providing open-faced sandwiches from Denmark, French cheese, and even some Turkish delight that I had picked up that summer when I was traveling the Middle East. We had so much food and alcohol we ended up donating some to a homeless shelter after the wedding (well, not the alcohol, I think friends took that home!). Our evening began with a swing dance lesson for our guests, provided as a wedding gift from some dancing friends, while everyone else drank and munched on snacks until dinner. After dinner came dancing (to music coordinated by a friend), cake, and the usual garter/bouquet toss.

The Honeymoon: We weren't sure we were going to be able to have a honeymoon, since our budget was so tight, but at the last minute we caved and decided, "What the heck!?" and booked some tickets to Mexico on our credit card. I think a honeymoon was really important for us, because a lot of our relationship had involved travel (and we were getting ready to leave for Peace Corps). Thankfully, we signed up for a honeymoon registry and received over $2,000 for our trip from guests. We also received another $2,500 in cash at the wedding, so we ended up being able to afford it all. We chose Mexico because we had recently traveled to the western part of Mexico (on disastrous trip with ex-bridesmaid) and really wanted to see the Caribbean part. We didn't book a tour or even hotels. We took everything day by day and visited beaches and ruins, swam with whale sharks, and drank at least one pina colada a day. It was a prefect honeymoon, and really set the pace for the first four years of our marriage, which we've spent country-hopping around the world.

The Regrets: My biggest regret was not having a professional photographer. We had decided that this would be too expensive, and an amateur photographer friend had offered to do our wedding for free, so we jumped on the chance. The only problem was, this was her first wedding, so she didn't know how to set up shots like a professional would, and of course, she was also a guest, so she didn't get everything we wanted because she was also having fun and hanging out with friends. In addition, we had hired some friends of a friend to come and serve food and clean up, but they never showed up. This left the burden on my family and friends, which made for a very long and stressful night. 

The Best Parts: I'm really happy that our friends were so involved in our wedding. Not only did it save us money, but it felt more personal to have them helping out every step of the way. Now, when I look back on photos, I don't just think, "Wow, those flowers were beautiful," I think, "Laura did an amazing job on the flowers." And as much as it pained me at the time, I'm happy Andrew was so interested in the wedding. It made the wedding really feel like it was ours, not just my childhood fantasy. In this way, our wedding really represented us as a couple, which is exactly what a wedding should do.

Rolling with the Flow on Photography

In some amazing moment of clarity and non-craziness, I managed to book a photographer based largely on instinct.

As I've mentioned before, Daniel does not care about photography.  Wants good pictures, but wants little to do with the choosing process.  So this decision was pretty much all on me.  And contrary to my OCD, must-research-everything-or-perish-trying personality, I basically just booked the person I wanted because I wanted to.

Not that there weren't any cognitive processes going on in this decision.  I did research.  I've been bookmarking people casually for months, and I definitely searched for cheap, good photographers in the Bay Area (thank you WeddingBee).  I ended up actually speaking to four photographers which definitely isn't nothing.  But for once in my miserable excuse for a life, I didn't overdo it.  Even though I knew I could find someone good for a cheaper price than the photographer we booked, I just did not want to put in the exhausting amount of effort it would take to do it.

And I am in love with our photographer.  I mean, who wouldn't be after this:

source

He was the one I wanted from the beginning.  There are a few others that I was very interested in until hearing their prices, and one in particular who was willing to work with our budget despite her large amount of experience (Jen May is awesome, check her out), but our photographer was BY FAR the most reasonably priced for his ability.

As soon as I saw Helen and David's wedding, I knew.

source

So it is with great pleasure that I present to you, Stephen Cheng Photography!

 

 source

The main reason I didn't book Stephen immediately is that he lives in Orange County, so we have to pay for him to travel to NorCal.  Daniel and I initially viewed this as a totally unnecessary burden on our budget.  Why pay for travel expenses when there are plenty of good photographers in the Bay Area?  Well, thing is, these awesome but cheap photographers seem to be hiding from me, and Stephen was perfect.  I couldn't get his pictures out of my head.  He just seemed like an awesome fit.  His style, romantic without sacrificing realism, is exactly what I was looking for.  I'm even considering using 2 of the 4 songs on his website for the ceremony procession!  It just seemed meant to be except for the whole price issue.

So we met with him (and boy was it nice to be able to finally meet with a photographer in person), and I was happy to hear that he is excited about our wedding!  Always a good attribute in the person who's going to capture it (and I'm pretty sure he was sincere.  Our location is the shit).  We were able to work out travel expenses that will only put us slightly over budget, AND he agreed to give us an extra 2 hours of coverage just because he would be there anyway.  That was what really cinched it for us.  Daniel was very impressed by his reasonableness, and I knew we were never going to find a better deal than 8 hours of coverage for our budget.

And so we booked our photographer with enough thought and research to back up the decision, but mainly because I am in love with this:

 

 

 source (in case anyone hadn't figured it out already)

In spite of myself, I feel really good about this decision.  The pictures will be good, we get along with the photographer, and our budget will live.

Have you made wedding decisions based on instinct (or laziness)?  How did you choose your photographer?

Am I an Idiot?

My mom basically just offered to pay for me to have a florist so we don't have to DIY our flowers.

And I basically just forbade her from paying for it.

I have reasons.  I've always been the only frugal person in a family that tends to spend more than it really has.  In college, I was the only one of my friends who didn't live on a set budget, and I probably could have gotten my parents to give me a lot more money than they did.  Instead, I scrimped and saved, lived in shitty (and frankly dangerous) parts of town to save money, and spent an awful lot of time trying to live with the bare minimum so that I could help them by not having to ask for money as often.  So this refusing money thing isn't exactly new.

And now more than ever they just don't have it.  My brother is going to start at a private school in the fall, my dad's job situation has been precarious for a while (he's in the movie industry and thus does not have stable work at the best of times), and my mom retired in June and doesn't have much of a pension.  They don't have money to waste on a florist, and if I don't protect them from themselves, they certainly won't do it.

But sometimes I think I'm an idiot for refusing the help.  This isn't the first time.  And their argument, that I'm going to stress myself out so much I don't enjoy the wedding, certainly has merit (not gonna lie, I'm worried about this too).

On the other hand, their well-being is so much more important than a stupid flower arrangement, and I'm kind of proud that the girl who wanted to do her wedding on a $10,000 budget not because she had to but because weddings are ridiculously expensive is still in there, alive and angry about my photography budget (more on that later).  I've tried to take a more laid-back, non-anxiety-attack-inducing view toward the Almighty Budget, and I've accepted wayyyy more wedding money than I ever thought I would (budget over $15,000?  Say what?).  But at this point, I'd feel bad for accepting more because it's just not necessary.  We're fine, we don't need it, so why put strain on anybody?

Of course, we'll see if I eat those words with a gilded spoon come August.

Where do you draw the line between having the wedding you want and making sure it doesn't interfere too much with your (and your contributor's) life?

We Are Never Going to Get a Date

Eff my mothereffing life!

The coordinator at Catalina finally got back to us.  Turns out they cannot do the dinner option we had originally planned on during the day...which means it will be $15 per person more expensive...for our already over budget wedding.  We figured out a way for it to still be possible, but it involves making the guests pay an extra $5 to get there, bringing the total up to $35 for them.  Plus, the buffet option we would have to do allows for only one entree which is a major problem for the vegetarian guests...and me!  I literally would not like to eat anything on that menu except the prime rib which is $2 extra per person--not happening.

We have another venue option.  It is in NorCal which would be a PAIN IN THE ASS to plan from 400 miles away and is not as cool as Catalina....but it would cost a lot less, allow us to have a lot more options, and have excellent food and cake for CHEAP.

And yet...Catalina still really appeals to us.

What should we do?  What would you do?  I don't know what to do.  Someone just tell me what to do.

Scary, Scary Budgeting*

Happy Halloween!

And in honor of the day, we will move on from the happy time of picking a venue and into the scary stuff.

The Budget.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

No seriously.  As soon as we worked out how much Catalina would cost, we completed the first draft of our budget.

It ain't pretty, but I'm going to share the run down with you because frankly there is just not enough budget-friendly information out there.

Ceremony site fee:  $700
Reception site fee:  $500
Food:  $2,600
Alcohol:  $1,000
Splitting the cost of getting to the island with our guests:  $2,250
Our hotel room:  $500
Tax and tip:  $1,080
Cake:  $420
My dress w/ alterations:  $1,400
My shoes:  $40
Undergarments (including slip):  $200
My hair:  $60
Make-up:  $0
Wax/manicure/pedicure (perhaps not all):  $100
Tuxedo (buying):  $300
Daniel's shoes:  $50
Rentals:  $660
Flowers (DIY):  $500
Music (DIY):  $200
Photography/Videography:  $1,060
Invitations:  $300
STDs:  $0
Rings:  $600
Attendant gifts (i.e. hotel room during wedding):  $700
Decorations/miscellaneous (including marriage license):  $800

Total:  $15,840

This puts us slightly over budget just for our estimate.  Obviously, this is not good though I do think I over-estimated some things and that we'll be able to get them cheaper.  So hopefully it will even out, but even so, we're going to end up paying for some things out of pocket.

For instance, notice anything missing?  Like the rehearsal dinner?  And any sort of pre-partying (bachelor/bachelorette parties, etc.)?  And, oh, I don't know, our honeymoon?  The first one we don't mind skipping, especially since logistics for that were going to be ridiculously difficult anyway.  And the second one won't be hard to do out of pocket, especially if we do small things.  But then there's number 3.  We were always going to do a honeymoon registry, but our dreams of Sandals are so, so gone.  At this point, we'll be lucky if we can leave the West Coast.  But I'm hoping that we will have been working long enough to save up some money at that point and that we'll be able to do something cheapish, maybe a cruise.  And I'm putting a lot of hope into our honeymoon registry.

How fucked am I?  People who have gone through this, is there anything I'm underestimating to an impossible degree?  Or forgetting altogether?  Please let me know, we haven't actually booked yet.  What budgeting tips can you share?

*I will give you a dollar if you get this literary reference.  Hint:  it's holiday appropriate.

And So I'm Back!

For reals this time.  Sorry again for the blatant absenteeism.  I just can't stand staring at a screen for 8 hours and then coming home and doing it some more.  It's been a real adjustment for me.  So for the time being, I'll probably mostly be writing on the weekends.  Maybe I'll try to do some posts that automatically spread themselves out.  We'll see.

ANYWAY, part of the reason I haven't been on here is because I have nothing to report really.  I'm working normal business hours now and commuting for 2 hours a day, so it's been really hard to try to get anything done wedding-wise, but we really need to get on it, so hopefully I'll have things to report soon.

For right now, let's talk about life.  A couple of weeks ago, Daniel went to his 10 year high school reunion, and on Thursday, I turned 23.  These things make you think about your life, and for us, this wasn't necessarily the most pleasant experience.  He's still unemployed and trying to finish up law school when what he really wants to be doing is starting a real job (instead of looking for an easier to find temporary one) and studying for the BAR.  Meanwhile, I'm very grateful to have found a job so quickly, but the attitude I've had toward finding a job is starting to worry me.  I pretty much just concentrated on finding a job that paid decently that I could get, and while this job is better than some things I could be doing, it's not where I saw myself going a couple of years ago.  I've become complacent about finding a career because the jobs I originally envisioned having are either far too competitive for me to get or are not available.  Have I mentioned I hate this economy?

What I'm trying to get at is that a lot of us in our twenties are really discouraged about the job market, whether it be finding the job you want or just finding a job at all!  And even though we're getting married which is at least some sort of accomplishment (you know what I mean), I for one feel like I failed at life a little bit by having such a ridiculously hard time finding a job last year and then being more concerned about a paycheck than a career this year.

But at the same time, getting married adds pressure to the system instead of adding financial support.  We all know how much weddings cost, and I would like to have enough money saved by next summer to have a little buffer zone in case we go over budget (and let's face it, we all go over budget too, especially those of us with little budget to begin with).  Plus there's that whole I don't want to be away from my partner or plan the wedding from afar thing which seriously inhibits my ability to find a job.  And I don't want my WEDDING to interfere with my career, but at the same time, I really want to enjoy my wedding.

OK, clearly this post fails at organization.  I guess, I just feel like life is hard enough right now, and I'm a little peeved at my wedding for adding pressure.  Of course, I also am so grateful to have someone to share that pressure with, and I have truly enjoyed having an excuse to write and having something to look forward to, so maybe it's not such a burden.  I guess I'm still a little jealous of my friends who truly have the freedom to do whatever they want (if they can get a job they don't hate), go wherever they want, and spend their money on whatever they can afford while I have to plan around someone else and am currently supporting that person (though I've got to admit, I'm pretty happy that I am capable of supporting someone else.  I never thought that I would be the bread winner in the relationship, and even though it's temporary, I feel like that's an accomplishment).

So in conclusion, the economy sucks, getting married in this economy sucks, but wanting to get married to your partner definitely doesn't suck.

Most of you are older than me.  How's your career going?  Do you have any advice for someone trying to get started in life?

Money, Money, Money

Family of the bride and groom, if you are reading this, I am going to ask you not to continue.  It's not bad, but there is venting involved, and I would really appreciate it if you would allow me privacy for this post.




I really mean it, if you are still reading, please stop.




OK, if you are still reading, I don't want to hear anything about this from you.  You are not to speak to me, Daniel, or ANYONE else about what you are reading.  You have been warned.

Budgeting with Style

When I first started thinking about money for my wedding, the $10,000 budget was a necessity.  My parents are not rich, Daniel's parents are not rich either, neither of us has rich family members or friends of any sort who would want to help us out, and Daniel and I are just getting out of school (and my current job has almost kicked me out on the street as it is).  In short, we have no money.  And actually, we were a lot better off when we set that budget, so now I'm doing everything I can to stay under it.

However, the more I've thought about it, the more we could probably go over budget if we really wanted to.  My parents may not have any money to contribute...but they'll probably contribute a couple thousand dollars anyway cuz that's how they roll (understand why they have no money?).  Daniel's dad is doing pretty well right now and has offered us more than I want to accept (I'll explain later).  As long as Daniel has a decent lawyering job next year (and as long as I have a job of some sort.  sigh), we shouldn't have much trouble saving a few thousand dollars from his income.  And then there's me.  I may not have any living wealthy relatives, but my grandfather was a brilliant mathematician and played the stock market well.  Let's just say I inherited a decent sum.  My plan for said money has always, always been to use it as a down payment for a house (even when I first found out about it at 15), and I want to save as much as possible for that purpose.  But...given our difficult current financial situation, I'm taking some of it out for our wedding.  I'll probably end up paying for about half our wedding myself.  In a way, this makes me feel good because I already know Daniel will always be the breadwinner in our family, and this is a big way for me to contribute.  Also, the more money I spend out of pocket, the more control I feel like I have over where it goes (we'll also get to this later).  Anyway, the point is, with all 4 of these resources available, I could probably bump our budget up to $15,000 without putting too much strain on anyone.

But I'm not going to.  Here's why:  through my internet research and wedding books, I have realized how easy it is to save money on your wedding.  Whether it be buying wholesale, borrowing from friends/relatives/random people you meet on the street/etc, bargain/sale shopping, or giving up on things you don't really care about, there are tons of ways to keep your wedding costs down without sacrificing quality too much.  Now that I know this, I'd feel bad wasting my family's and my money on overpriced stuff I don't need.  And this is why no matter how hard it may be, I will keep my wedding under $10,000 (not including the honeymoon, but we intend to pay for that entirely off of our honeymoon registry, so, you know, at least it's not our money).

Here are some ways I'm planning on doing it:

1.  Venue:  This is the really tricky part.  I might cave and go for an inexpensive (actually, we're going to just go with "not ridiculously expensive") hotel by the sea because OMG so much easier, but I'm still aiming for renting something like this:

personal photo

I took this photo on a beautiful stretch of California coastline that I thought would be perfect for our wedding.  And you know what?  I bet we could rent this very spot from the government for under $100.  Of course, then we'd have to rent chairs, a sound system, etc. for the ceremony on our own, but I've got time, I can make that happen.  Then all we'd pay for a venue is the cost of the reception, and I've found places that would cost us significantly less than $1,000 for the entire wedding (post to come on this).

2.  Music:  I'm a control freak.  I'd actually prefer to just hook my laptop up to speakers and have a set playlist for the night.  Maybe, if I feel like it, I'll get a friend to mix in a few requests.  Total cost:  just speakers and perhaps a cord.  Ideally, this is something that would already be available at the venue.

3.  Photography:  I'm more torn on this one because photography is really important to me, but there is no way I am hiring a pro to cover the whole wedding.  I think we're going to do something like this:  professional for ceremony and pictures of us and our family, wedding party, etc., amateur friend for the remainder of the wedding plus single use cameras for guests to take pictures, amateur friend to do video (using my brother's awesome camera).  Total cost:  aiming for under $500 (not including prints, I'll worry about that later).

4.  Flowers:  Still hoping for something like this, but I'm definitely open to non-flower centerpieces.  Plus, I have no desire to provide the wedding party with flowers.  Just a bouquet for me and a boutonniere for Daniel will do just fine.  Just that will save us hundreds of dollars.

5.  DIY:  I'm sure everyone who has looked at wedding blog knows how much you can save by DIYing as much as you can.  At first, I wasn't really open to this because I am just not a crafty person.  But the more I learn about the many options out there, the more I want to DIY whatever I think I can pull off.

6.  Decorations:  For the primary theme we are thinking of right now (more to come, I swear), using stuff that we already have to decorate the reception area makes the most sense anyway.  Sorry to leave you hanging, but I'll talk more about the theme stuff I've been thinking of next week.

7.  Food:  I would be totally down for making all of the food myself, but I just don't want that kind of stress.  However, I've gotten pretty good at finding cheap places to eat that are super tasty, and I would like to put these skills to use on our food.  Keeping our guest list small obviously is a key factor in this, but the more research I do, the easier I think this will be.  For instance, if we're in the Bay Area, I would love to have Gypsy's cater our wedding.  It's pretty good on its own, but for about $5 a plate, it's AMAZING.  Most people in Berkeley think of it as fast food, but most of my guests wouldn't know it from a hotel catering service...except that it's better.  Also, I would totally do Panda Express.  Daniel still thinks I'm kidding, but I'd so be down.  I love the purveyor of orange chicken :).

8.  Accessories:  As in, not having many.  I'm not really an accessories kinda gal anyway.  The only things I plan on wearing besides my dress are a tiara and a necklace, both of which I could probably buy at Claire's if I got desperate, and both of which I will probably actually buy on Etsy.com or something along those lines.

9.  Using talented people I know:  My aunt is a hairdresser.  My hair won't cost much.  I know a few people who can work a sewing machine, so I might have one of them make my bridesmaids' dresses and save them that cost.  And maybe, just maybe, I can use the cooking-savvy people in my family to make our food.

Well, that is my tentative plan.  Hold me to it!

How did you plan your budget?  What is worth spending money on for you?  Fyi, it's totally going to be the dress for me, I'm sure that monster will end up being almost $1,500 with alterations and undergarments.  Are you going to use all the money you can get or try to save wherever you can?

Book Review: How to Have a Big Wedding on a Small Budget

When I first started wedding planning, I was super stressed out about costs.  With my expensive tastes in location, I didn't see how I could ever have the wedding that I wanted on our budget.  Add that to the fact that Daniel also has expensive tastes but in different areas, and I thought we were screwed.  Since she was the only person I knew at the time with an interest in weddings, my friend Laura heard most of my complaints, and that is probably why she gave me How to Have a Big Wedding on a Small Budget by Diane Warner.  Now that I've read it, I have to say, "THANK YOU, LAURA" once again because it was definitely helpful for putting my nerves at ease.

I would recommend this book for anyone who is trying to plan a wedding on a budget.  If nothing else, it gives you the sense that you can accomplish your dreams without dumping tens of thousands of dollars into your wedding, and for me, that alone made it worth reading.  At the same time, Warner offers lots of good money-saving tips that are effective without compromising the aesthetic appeal of your wedding, something I have not found through many other venues (especially because I am not a crafty person).

Originally based on planning her daughter's wedding, this book goes through all of the major expenses of your average American wedding and shows you ways to do things on the cheap while still making them look, well, expensive in most cases.  She offers ideas of what to do as well as how to go about finding the places and things that she talks about which is what I really wanted out of this book.  If you really liked her ideas, you could basically plan your wedding following her guide and suggestions, and while that definitely is not something I plan on doing, it's helpful to have someone walk you through a way to plan your wedding without charging for the service (apart from the price of the book of course).

As you might have guessed from this post, I found the chapter on flowers most illuminating.  Her ideal plan, harvesting flowers from your friends and family, costs a mere $206, but the thing that really impressed me was that her "Fool Them with the Real Thing" plan which is basically buy your flowers from the grocery store and put everything together yourself still only costs $700.  And she isn't just talking about flowers for the wedding party.  This price includes decking out the venue in lots of flowers.  That is the kind of thing that really sets this book apart:  it really is how to have a BIG wedding on a SMALL budget, i.e. how to have everything you want for less than $10,000 (which will probably be my budget, more or less).

However, the book did have some problems.  A major thing that lacked helpfulness for me was not really her fault but me and Daniel realizing that there are a lot of things that we want to go all out on.  The biggest one for me is the dress.  As I said here, the dress is one of the most important aspects of the wedding to me, and it is one of the biggest things that I do not want to have to compromise on.  I'm going to spend about $1,200 on a retail dress (including alterations) because I want my dress to be perfect.  If I can find my dress at an outlet store, that's great, but I'm not going to expect it.  However, another thing I liked about the book was that it took things like this into account.  There is a pricing chart at the back of the book that allows you to see how much each thing should cost, and if I were to follow it, I wouldn't have a problem spending a little less on some things to spend more on my dress.  Daniel and I are going to have to be a little more flexible than we would like on things like food and convenience, but it should all work out in the end.

The real problems I had with this book were more regional and generational.  To a large extent, this book is written by someone who assumes the bride lives in a small town.  While she does go out of her way to include things in the big city, it always feels inserted, like she's not really writing for city folk, and much of what she does include about the city does not jive with my experiences.  And the small town stuff really doesn't help me.  Like assuming people have yards, and you have lots of friends and family to help out, and you know people who are really good at sewing, cooking, arts and crafts, etc., and there are places that sell things cheaply.  I'm not saying there aren't people and places in more populated areas that could fit these categories, just that they're a lot harder to find if you live in urban areas, and Warner often does not take that into account.

Another major thing that bothered me was that Warner often assumes you will be married in a church which was completely unhelpful for me since I'll be having an outdoor wedding.  Though she does make a few suggestions for non-church weddings, it is very, very common for her to give advice based on the assumption that you will be in a church, and this is useless for quite a few brides out there.

Also, though she does say in the beginning and end that you should do what's best for you without regard for other's opinions, she also makes certain assumptions about what you MUST have at your wedding that I found bothersome.  For instance, she says a wedding without flowers looks tacky while I know of lots of brides who are providing alternative decorations that look GREAT.  She also assumes that the bride and her mother will be planning the wedding while my family probably won't be involved much, but Daniel and I really want to share the planning burden.  But I think the biggest of these problems for me was that she assumes the classical structure of the bride pays for this stuff while the groom pays for that which is soooo not the way it's going to go down for us.  Even though she has a chapter for the groom's stuff, I felt like I missed out on advice for the stuff the groom is supposed to take care of.  I guess my main problem with this book is that Warner assumes certain things that are contrary to what I need, and it would have been nice for her to cater to a broader audience.

But like I said, the book was really helpful, and I am glad that I read it.  It may not plan my wedding for me, and there are a lot of tips that I won't be using, but it could still save me thousands of dollars which is all that really matters in the end.