This is not my day.
My day is not really wedding-related, but it is very marriage-related. In the long term.
I just came back from the obgyn's office.
I don't think I've spoken much if at all about this, so I'll give you a summary. Between March and August of 2009, I went to the hospital 3 times with severe abdominal pain caused by what they thought at the time were 3 successive ovarian cysts. Ever since the third one, I've had annoying to severe abdominal pain in the same area as the cysts. I've spoken to several doctors about it, and each individually came to the same probable diagnosis: endometriosis. I'll explain. The sciencey side of this is that the uterus leaks blood into the surrounding area that creates tissue that should not be there, and this process causes pain. The practical effects are that I have debilitatingly painful cramps during my period, frequent ovarian cysts, and pain in my right ovarian area on a rather frequent basis. The pain is off and on, but there's been enough to cause me to want to do something about. That is, have surgery.
Surgery is the only way to know for sure whether it is in fact endometriosis, but the ultrasound I had yesterday produced some rather unexpected results (btw, sticking a plastic tube with a camera on the end up your vagina is something I hope you never have to experience). Turns out, the most likely cause of the pain I've been having for the last year-and-a-half is not in fact endometriosis but a mass attached to my fallopian tube that has been slowly growing and messing shit up in there. I am not particularly happy that the 3 ultrasounds I had previously mistook this mass for an ovarian cyst, but on the other had, my health insurance wasn't good enough to do anything about it most of that time anyway (say what you will about the health care bill, it is going to save my life [not quite literally but close enough] by allowing me to be back on my dad's health insurance).
Anyway, now I have to have surgery to remove it, but the issue lies in what exactly will be removed. I won't fixate on the details of what will happen if they need to remove part of my bladder or cut into my urethra. I have much more interesting, marriage-related, and more likely results to brood over.
The mass is very closely attached to my fallopian tube. They won't know how closely until they cut me open, but there is a decent chance that they will have to remove it, making it impossible for me to have children naturally using the right ovary.
When the doctor told me this, I was concerned but not too fazed. I can still have kids using the other ovary, right? I asked her. The answer was a lot more disconcerting. Whatever's causing this could be affecting both ovaries but only causing pain in one. The other could be infertile or need to be removed despite its apparent OKness.
Long story short, there is a decent possibility that I won't be able to have children.
More worrisome right now is that I have to consent to how much they can do, but they won't know what needs to be done until the surgery is in progress, so I have to consent to, say, removing both of my ovaries before I know whether or not it will happen or I'll need to or whatever. Basically, I have to decide how much I trust my doctor to make the right decision or if I should say, "No, you can't remove that" beforehand.
I pretty much told her she could do whatever she thought was best, but I haven't signed anything yet, and I can still retract that consent. But the thing is, I don't think I can make an informed decision without knowing what will happen. How am I supposed to judge how I will feel about actually removing an ovary when it is more likely that I'll be fine? But then, I can't really not remove stuff either because if the tube does need to come out, I'd still be in pain and probably couldn't have kids anyway with that tube. But if both of them have a problem? Or if the other one develops problems later? I don't know. I don't want to do anything that 30-year-old Nicole will regret, but I also do not want to be in pain for the next 7+ years while I wait to be ready to have kids. And if I did, it would just get worse, and the other consequences we discussed would be worse, and I could actually have some major internal organ failure if I don't do it. So I guess I really should just consent to whatever she thinks is necessary. But still...
I want kids. I always have. I love them. I mean, I was a toddler teacher last year for a reason. There's never been any doubt in mind that I will one day have them. And there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that I cannot handle having one now or any time in the next few years at least. I would so regret not getting my shit together before having kids.
It's just hard being 23 and being told that your fertility is in doubt.
And I mean, it will probably be fine. It's just having to make decisions without knowing that makes it hard.
Daniel took it really well. Said he'd love me regardless and just wanted to know about all the possibilities.
I really would be all right with adoption, but I'd still like to have at least one of my own, and who knows how I'll feel by the time I actually want kids?
It's just hard.
And to top things off, I got a call on the way home from the doctor from our potential ceremony site saying that the site we want cannot be rented for weddings nor can any other park in Tiburon! Yeah, I found them through a list of locations you could get a permit for, but apparently they do not want structures in any of their parks, and apparently a chair is a structure. The lady from the city of Tiburon was rather snarky. I was not pleased.
I'm really glad we're going up to NorCal this weekend. I won't have to apply for jobs (and I have no idea where I should be applying now or when I'll be able to start), we need a new effing ceremony plan, and most of all I'll be able to talk to my friend Dana. I don't know how this started, but Dana and I sort of ended up being relationship and abdominal pain buddies, so it's a good time to get to talk to her in person.
I hate my life a little bit. I so do not want to deal with this.