Monday, June 6, 2011

The Stress Has Won

I am officially immersed in pre-wedding stress.

Not that I wasn't stressed out before.  Not that I haven't been stressed out about wedding stuff for months.  Not that I'm not stressed out all the time anyway.  But this is different.  This is constant.  And it's really getting to me.

I had a realization recently.  My experience with blogs has been that when people get stressed out with how much they have to do or they have to give things up for lack of time, they try to make themselves feel better by saying that all that matters is that they're married at the end of the day.  That's not going to help me.  My realization was that this wedding isn't about us or marriage.  I mean, I kind of got that already, but hear me out.  At the end of the day, it doesn't matter what happens at the wedding.  It doesn't even matter if we get married.  We can do that anytime in the legal sense, and at the end of the day, Daniel and I will still be together.  The wedding has nothing to do with that.

Instead of making me feel better about things not getting finished for the wedding, this just brings the materialism of the thing into sharper focus.  It's all about the party.

I suppose in some ways that should take the pressure off.  I mean, at least our relationship doesn't rest on the day.  But really, for me it just makes it worse.  It makes me feel like it's a stupid thing to get stressed over.  It's just a party.  The thing is, it's the biggest, most extravagant party I will ever throw.  In fact, it's probably the ONLY truly significant party I will ever throw.  I want it to be good.  I want it to be exceptional.  I have one chance to do this, and I want to do it right.

But I can't think about it without getting stressed out, and I can't stop thinking about it because there's so much left to do, and our time is running out.  I feel guilty whenever I'm not working on the wedding, even when I'm taking much needed down time.  Hell, I feel guilty even when I'm doing something useful like dishes or paying bills.  I feel stuck.  If I try not to think about the wedding, nothing gets done, but if I try to do stuff, I get so stressed out that I can't function, and still the list is never-ending, and it's crunch time for EVERYTHING.

Daniel thinks I'm insane.  I think he's a slacker.  Amazingly, this really hasn't affected our relationship.  But I could really do with some outside help.  Unfortunately, I have a grand total of 2 friends who are invited in Northern California (though to be fair, that's not counting Daniel's side), and we don't have anyone closer than an hour away.  This makes accepting help difficult.  My OCD-level control freak nature doesn't help either.

I really need to see a therapist.  Too bad I can't afford one.

How did/do you cope with the stress?

P.S.  In the interest of maintaining the small vestiges of my sanity that remain, I probably won't be around much for a while.  I promise I'll rally post-wedding.


  1. Yup blogging stresses me out too..especially if I can't think of something to blog about. Its become a big commitment but I do love it! Maybe take a break from it would be the best for you for now.

  2. Oh dear. I'm so sorry! I wish I could be more helpful right now. I'll take a little pressure off you by going and getting officiated right now so you can check that off your list. Hugs to you both!

  3. I'm so sorry Nicole! If there's anything I can do, my work schedule is calming down a little bit .. just let me know. I already know that this is going to be an amazing party/wedding !


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