Friday, June 11, 2010


Do you want to know a secret?
Do you promise not to tell?

Let me whisper in your ear,
Say words you never thought you'd hear,

I don't want a wedding.

Not a real wedding, anyway.

Weddings are not about marriage.  Weddings are an excuse for your families and friends to get together and party and pretend it's about you when they really think it's about them.  It's not a celebration about marriage any more than Christmas is about Jesus's birth.  In my house, that's basically not at all.  It's all about celebrating because you have an excuse.

That's not what I want.  I want a wedding that's actually about us.  I want a wedding that's actually about us choosing to spend the rest of our lives together.  I want it to be beautiful and romantic and personal.

I don't want a big wedding.


See, I do sort of want to celebrate with all the people I care about and have all the things I'm only going to get to have once and go all out for this one day to make the best party I'll ever have.  But that's not about us.  That's about wanting the material side of it for tradition's sake.  Because I know I'll never get another chance to have the big, expensive party.

That's not what marriage is about.  I don't think I need to go into why.  And when it comes down to it, I think I'd feel a lot better about a wedding that was just me and Daniel declaring our love somewhere natural with just the officiant or just our very, very close friends and family.

That would feel like a marriage too me.  I could do the "big reception for everyone later" thing.  That would be OK with me, I guess.  But for the ceremony, the more people that are there, the less it will feel like a marriage to me.

And the bigger our wedding is, and the more time I spend planning it, the more likely I am to be disappointed by the fact that it can never live up to my expectations.  Because I'm a staunch perfectionist, and it will never be perfect.

I think the perfect thing for me would be a destination wedding in the Caribbean or Hawaii.  Small, intimate, naturally beautiful, and planned completely by someone else with our interests at heart.

Would I regret not having most of the people I know there?  Maybe, maybe not.  I'm trying not to think about it because it will never happen.

Aside from the large number of people who would kill me for doing this, it's not what Daniel wants.  Daniel wants to have all of the people he cares about there, and while it won't be a big wedding, it won't be tiny either.  He actually told me he wouldn't marry me without having the people he cares about there, and while I don't think that's necessarily true, I do know that it's something he cares about deeply.  I can't deny him that.

So we're having a wedding.  Maybe I'll be happier for it in the long run, maybe I won't, but it's important to me that he feels satisfied with our wedding, and I'm going to try not to over-think it.


  1. Btw, this was my 50th post. Didn't even realize it. What an ironic marker.

  2. Amen sister! I feel the same way! Originally I wanted to elope. A compromize with my family is we have small intimate wedding (just intimate wedding with bff and immediate family. Then prty to celebrate when we get back and I am happy with this arrangement.

  3. You know, I kind of feel you on this. I think that's why we're having a really small wedding of 50. I was pretty brutal with my guest list, I only invited my closest family and friends. Of course, my mom invited some people I don't even know but oh well.

    I'm sure, despite your reservations, you'll have a great time on your wedding board!

  4. I think that is the sentiment of nearly every single bride that I have known. But it doesn't always work that way... for my family, a compromise meant dwindling down to 300 max. I guess a lot of it depends on your culture and community and such, but I've come to understand that at least where my family and culture are concerned, it's a celebration for my parents as well, for my whole family, and they want to share it with the people they care about too... they are also paying for the wedding and all the various events leading up to it, so really, how much can I argue.

    ahh life. :)

  5. @Mirage: I cannot believe you had to talk your family down to 300. OMG. I am at least in the fortunate situation of paying for 1/3 of it myself which definitely helps with the arguing.


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