Well, now that it's over I can FINALLY tell you about what happened 3 weeks before the wedding.
Daniel's mom has been having trouble for a long time. She got laid off about a year-and-a-half ago and has barely worked since. As her financial situation deteriorated, so did her mental state. This wasn't exactly the start of it. She's been a hoarder, the kind you see on Oprah and reality shows, for years, and it is my understanding that ever since she and Daniel's dad split up, she's had difficulty coping with, well, life.
But of course without any money, things became much worse. Frankly, we have no idea how she's survived for so long without income, but suffice it to say that she's borrowed from everyone she knows, and everyone has given up on her except for Daniel.
When she told him that she was not coming to the wedding in early July, things began to change between them. For the most part, Daniel has tried to placate her whenever they talk, trying to make her feel better about her situation, carefully choosing his words so as not to upset her. It's exhausting and painful for me to watch; he's always upset after they talk. But after hearing that his own mother did not want to attend his wedding, Daniel stopped trying to be nice to her and started actively trying to help her situation even though she fought him every step of the way. He desperately wanted to get her in a mental position where she could come to the wedding, and failing that, wanted to at least get her on the road to recovery.
I was in Catalina, ready to be all relaxed and not thinking about the wedding or the other crap that was going on, when I got a phone call from Daniel. His aunt had just received a call herself from the police department, saying that they had received an email from Daniel's mom saying that they would find a dead body in her house. When they investigated (complete with SWAT team and helicopter), they found no one home.
Fortunately, her suicide attempt failed, and she had gone to stay with a friend. When the police found her, they put her in the hospital.
Daniel immediately flew down to San Diego to help, and he and his aunt were able to keep his mom in the hospital for the weeks leading up to the wedding. There was a lot more to it than that, but you don't really need to know about that.
Daniel didn't go back to work again until after we got back from our honeymoon. Between trying to keep his mother alive, safe, and housed until we got back, trying to get things done for the wedding, and studying for the ethics exam he had to take a week before the wedding to get his BAR license, he didn't have time for his job.
It's hard to describe what this was like for me. It was a million times worse for Daniel of course, and that was my main concern. Above all, way above the wedding, I wanted to do what I could to be there for him. But at the same time, I had already moved beyond stress and into the early stages of insanity about the wedding at this point. It was really good that I was on vacation and didn't have so much as a computer with me when this happened, or I think my head would literally have exploded. I'm also glad he did not take me up on coming down to help because I would not have gotten through the next 2 weeks without that break.
Daniel handled the situation extremely well. His dad and I were both worried at first--Daniel often doesn't handle stress well--but we were both very impressive by how calm and focused he remained through it all. At the end of the day, he was relieved that his mom was finally receiving help, and the relief overshadowed all of the other emotions he should have been feeling. I'm amazed at how much he was able to do in such a short amount of time and that he did not let his mother's absence ruin the wedding.
For the most part, I think I handled it pretty well too. There is no doubt that I had to shoulder an even greater part of the wedding planning burden because of it, and I made several comments I shouldn't have while trying to get through that, but on the whole, I think I was pretty supportive. Though I must admit I'm very glad he didn't take me up on the offers I made to postpone the wedding.
But I will never forgive her for what she did to him. Or me. But mostly him. I am far angrier with her than Daniel is.
I understand how much her situation sucks and why she would want to take her life as a result. To be perfectly honest, the attempt did not surprise me though the timing did. And if it had been after the wedding, I think I could have forgiven her eventually. I would be sad that she did it and much sadder for how awful her death would be for Daniel, and I'm sure I would still be angry at her for doing that to him. But in the end, I would understand why.
But the selfishness of doing it 3 weeks before her son's wedding I can never forgive. I don't know if she thought about what her death would do to him, and I don't care. If she was too stupid not to see how much that would affect him, then I cannot forgive the stupidity, and if she did think about it and did it anyway...I cannot describe the anger that boils inside me just thinking about it. Daniel was already devastated that she wasn't coming to the wedding, and she knew that (or should have given the number of times he told her). To think that she would upset her son that much more so close to his wedding is beyond my comprehension.
It's sad. We could have had a good relationship once. The thing about her is that she really is fun to be around when she's not freaking out. I liked her for a long time. Seeing what their conversations did to Daniel and trying to help the fallout pass when he got off the phone had already caused my opinion of her to plummet. Still, there was hope for a good mother/daughter-in-law relationship before this. Now, I can't see that happening, not unless she makes some really big changes in her life and sincerely repents everything that she put him through. But even then, I'm not sure I could forgive her. You don't mess with my Daniel and get away with it.
If nothing else, I think my insane stress level the last few weeks before the wedding was warranted.
I know we're not the only ones out there with these kinds of problems, so if you know someone whose mental state has deteriorated without substance abuse or a diagnosed mental illness, talk to us, and we'll try to help you. We know how hard it is to find help or even a place to start in these situations, and we'd like to do whatever we can for you.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Happy Birthday Daniel!!!!!
Wish my husband a happy birthday! He is officially 1 year away from 30. Scariness.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Name Change Conclusion
So, I know I have a lot more to talk about regarding the wedding as I haven't even started recaps yet. However, there are newlywed things that I'd like to discuss as well, so instead of keeping everything in a nice, neat, chronological order, I'm going to go between wedding stuff and post-wedding stuff. If this causes confusion, I am sorry, but you all are smart, and I'm sure you'll figure it out.
I changed my name today. Officially. My social security record no longer says "Thomas" (Woa damn, big name reveal! Because there aren't over 60,000 other Nicole Thomases out there for me to get confused with).
People keep asking me what it's like to be married or how it feels to be married. My answer is still, "I wouldn't know." Because things do not feel different. Things haven't changed between us, and the only real difference this makes in my daily life is that I say "My husband..." instead of "My fiance..." or "My boyfriend..." This is different, and it's a bit weird, but on the grand scale of things, it doesn't make me feel different. It doesn't even really make me feel married.
However, introducing myself or talking about myself as "Nicole HisLastName" does feel different (I'm so not ready to refer to myself as "Mrs." That's going to have to wait). And despite all of my complaining about it, it's not all bad. It's weird. It doesn't feel like my name yet, and I imagine it will be quite a while before it does. Daniel and I will have to be together 24 years before I've had his name longer than mine, so I'm sure the adjustment period will be lengthy.
Nonetheless, there are some things I like about it. Having the same last name makes us feel like a unit, like a real family, instead of just two people who like each other a lot. It has that power for me more than the words "husband and wife" do, actually. Which is nice considering how iffy I was about changing my name. It makes it obvious that we belong together, that we're more than boyfriend/girlfriend, without needing to say how and without having to prove that we're actually married.
Of course, I haven't started making the long, long list of phone calls to various people and agencies to tell them that my name has changed, and I might be a bit less happy about it after that. Seriously, we'd better not get divorced because I do not want to do this again (yes, that's the reason not to get divorced right there, not the whole "love and devotion" thing).
But anyway, for now, I'm cool with it. It's new, it needs adjusting, but I'm cool with it.
Plus, it's easy to sign it, and that's the important thing.
And with that, I leave you with the best reason to change one's name (and one of my very favorite STD videos):
How did the name change go for you? Or if you didn't change your name, how do you feel about your choice?
I changed my name today. Officially. My social security record no longer says "Thomas" (Woa damn, big name reveal! Because there aren't over 60,000 other Nicole Thomases out there for me to get confused with).
People keep asking me what it's like to be married or how it feels to be married. My answer is still, "I wouldn't know." Because things do not feel different. Things haven't changed between us, and the only real difference this makes in my daily life is that I say "My husband..." instead of "My fiance..." or "My boyfriend..." This is different, and it's a bit weird, but on the grand scale of things, it doesn't make me feel different. It doesn't even really make me feel married.
However, introducing myself or talking about myself as "Nicole HisLastName" does feel different (I'm so not ready to refer to myself as "Mrs." That's going to have to wait). And despite all of my complaining about it, it's not all bad. It's weird. It doesn't feel like my name yet, and I imagine it will be quite a while before it does. Daniel and I will have to be together 24 years before I've had his name longer than mine, so I'm sure the adjustment period will be lengthy.
Nonetheless, there are some things I like about it. Having the same last name makes us feel like a unit, like a real family, instead of just two people who like each other a lot. It has that power for me more than the words "husband and wife" do, actually. Which is nice considering how iffy I was about changing my name. It makes it obvious that we belong together, that we're more than boyfriend/girlfriend, without needing to say how and without having to prove that we're actually married.
Of course, I haven't started making the long, long list of phone calls to various people and agencies to tell them that my name has changed, and I might be a bit less happy about it after that. Seriously, we'd better not get divorced because I do not want to do this again (yes, that's the reason not to get divorced right there, not the whole "love and devotion" thing).
But anyway, for now, I'm cool with it. It's new, it needs adjusting, but I'm cool with it.
Plus, it's easy to sign it, and that's the important thing.
And with that, I leave you with the best reason to change one's name (and one of my very favorite STD videos):
How did the name change go for you? Or if you didn't change your name, how do you feel about your choice?
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Catalina, or How I Got through the Last Weeks of Wedding Planning
It's pretty safe to say that I lost my mind quite a few weeks before the wedding. The stress was...unfathomable, all-consuming, degenerating. Bad. I should never have let it get that bad, but, well, can't do anything about it now. Anyway, the only reason I was able to get through the last few weeks without taking anyone's head off (or without Daniel dumping me) was my vacation with my family in Catalina.
Officially Santa Catalina Island, it is a small place off the coast of Long Beach, CA. Most people know it for Avalon, the only real town on the island and a tourist hub. You might know it from this song:
My family and I have gone to Catalina every summer since I was born. And not the touristy side. We stay in the one other town on the island (though "town" is an overstatement): Two Harbors aka the Isthmus or Isthmus Bay.
Two Harbors in its entirety consists of the following: 1 restaurant, 1 cafe (think burgers to go), 1 general store, 1 dive shop, 2 bathrooms/showers, 1 small hotel, a scattering of houses, camp sites, and boats. That's it.
No computers. No internet. No possible way to work on the wedding. Bliss. There was barely even phone service until a few years ago (OK, so there's internet now too, but I didn't bring my computer, so I didn't need to acknowledge it's existence).
If you look at pictures of it from the forties, you'll notice it's barely changed, and that is its charm. It's like a slice of old-world life. The modern conveniences you have are the ones you bring with you (for the most part). It's the only place I've ever been where I feel like I can truly relax.
If you remember back to a year ago, Daniel and I seriously considered getting married on Catalina. In the end, it was just too expensive to get everyone over there, but we ended up going on vacation the weekend we would have done it there, and I couldn't help but think about what it would have been like.
With views like this, it would have been spectacular. It would have been an utter pain in the ass. It would have been worth it, but it would have been so much more "me" than "us." In the end, it doesn't matter because we couldn't do it, we didn't do it, and our wedding was awesome, so it doesn't matter. Still, stressful as it would have been getting there, I definitely would have been calm once we arrived.
Anyway, I had a really great week with my family. It was nice to have one more family vacation before getting married, and I highly recommend it if you can get away a few weeks before the wedding. What's more, my brother actually talked to us while we were there! That was quite the treat in itself.
I relaxed, I regenerated, I swam, I tanned. All highly necessary. AND I got to stay in the hotel with my mom for one night instead of on the boat which I have always wanted to do. That was the best night of sleep I had gotten in weeks.
But most importantly, I got this:
Officially Santa Catalina Island, it is a small place off the coast of Long Beach, CA. Most people know it for Avalon, the only real town on the island and a tourist hub. You might know it from this song:
Cute video, huh? Not ours, but it has some images of the Isthmus which is pretty cool.
My family and I have gone to Catalina every summer since I was born. And not the touristy side. We stay in the one other town on the island (though "town" is an overstatement): Two Harbors aka the Isthmus or Isthmus Bay.
Two Harbors in its entirety consists of the following: 1 restaurant, 1 cafe (think burgers to go), 1 general store, 1 dive shop, 2 bathrooms/showers, 1 small hotel, a scattering of houses, camp sites, and boats. That's it.
No computers. No internet. No possible way to work on the wedding. Bliss. There was barely even phone service until a few years ago (OK, so there's internet now too, but I didn't bring my computer, so I didn't need to acknowledge it's existence).
If you look at pictures of it from the forties, you'll notice it's barely changed, and that is its charm. It's like a slice of old-world life. The modern conveniences you have are the ones you bring with you (for the most part). It's the only place I've ever been where I feel like I can truly relax.
If you remember back to a year ago, Daniel and I seriously considered getting married on Catalina. In the end, it was just too expensive to get everyone over there, but we ended up going on vacation the weekend we would have done it there, and I couldn't help but think about what it would have been like.
With views like this, it would have been spectacular. It would have been an utter pain in the ass. It would have been worth it, but it would have been so much more "me" than "us." In the end, it doesn't matter because we couldn't do it, we didn't do it, and our wedding was awesome, so it doesn't matter. Still, stressful as it would have been getting there, I definitely would have been calm once we arrived.
Anyway, I had a really great week with my family. It was nice to have one more family vacation before getting married, and I highly recommend it if you can get away a few weeks before the wedding. What's more, my brother actually talked to us while we were there! That was quite the treat in itself.
I relaxed, I regenerated, I swam, I tanned. All highly necessary. AND I got to stay in the hotel with my mom for one night instead of on the boat which I have always wanted to do. That was the best night of sleep I had gotten in weeks.
But most importantly, I got this:
Family
The chance to say goodbye.
Did you have a stress-reducing retreat before your wedding? Get to spend any time with your family before tying the knot?
Bachelorette Party #2: The Best Damn 2-Hour Bachelorette Party EVER!
I was impressed by my first bachelorette party and my bridal shower, but the awesomeness of each was not totally unexpected. Karaoke is always awesome, and my mom had spent so much time telling me how much she was working on my bridal shower that I knew it would be good.
My Southern California bachelorette party, however, I did not have high expectations for. The girls had less than 2 hours on a Sunday afternoon. No one could expect much under those conditions.
So the amazingness of my second bachelorette party genuinely blew me away.
Warning: this post is so not safe for work.
My Southern California bachelorette party, however, I did not have high expectations for. The girls had less than 2 hours on a Sunday afternoon. No one could expect much under those conditions.
So the amazingness of my second bachelorette party genuinely blew me away.
Warning: this post is so not safe for work.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Married. Check.
Well, it's all over. The wedding has passed, we returned from our honeymoon, our bags are unpacked (mostly...some...I'm going to finish today all right!). The city of San Jose should have received our marriage license by now, so we are officially married.
We won't get our photos back for another few weeks, and I can't start recaps anyway until I fill you in on everything that you missed when I was too busy and stressed to post. A lot of things happened in the final weeks before the wedding, and I was a complete wreck before the day rolled around.
But you know what? It was awesome. The wedding was better than I could have imagined, and Daniel and I had a fantastic time.
So too did our guests. Most of them came up to us afterward and told us how amazing a time they had had, and many of them told us it was the best wedding they had ever been to. After the months of toil we spent preparing for it, that was really good to hear.
But the most gratifying thing for me was our ceremony. We wrote the entire thing ourselves and put a lot of work into its construction, and I'm so glad we did because it was perfect. The ceremony will always stand out to us as the best part of the wedding and a true reflection of us. It also provoked the most touching compliments we received on our wedding day. Many, many people told us how much they liked it; several told us they cried during our vows even though they do not cry at weddings. That really touched me because people often compliment the dress or the party, but they generally just tolerate the ceremony, and it meant so much to have so many people tell us that that was their favorite part of the wedding too.
Not everything was perfect, not by a long shot. So much went wrong the day of the wedding that I doubt I even remember it all. But our wedding was still amazing, and I managed to let the things that went wrong slide off and not ruin the day. I don't know if I can call it the best day of my life, but it's certainly up there, and it was beyond any doubt the best party I will ever attend.
And I look forward to sharing it all with you...in a few weeks when I've recovered from jet lag and the general exhaustion that still hangs over me.
Until then, I leave you with this:
We won't get our photos back for another few weeks, and I can't start recaps anyway until I fill you in on everything that you missed when I was too busy and stressed to post. A lot of things happened in the final weeks before the wedding, and I was a complete wreck before the day rolled around.
But you know what? It was awesome. The wedding was better than I could have imagined, and Daniel and I had a fantastic time.
So too did our guests. Most of them came up to us afterward and told us how amazing a time they had had, and many of them told us it was the best wedding they had ever been to. After the months of toil we spent preparing for it, that was really good to hear.
But the most gratifying thing for me was our ceremony. We wrote the entire thing ourselves and put a lot of work into its construction, and I'm so glad we did because it was perfect. The ceremony will always stand out to us as the best part of the wedding and a true reflection of us. It also provoked the most touching compliments we received on our wedding day. Many, many people told us how much they liked it; several told us they cried during our vows even though they do not cry at weddings. That really touched me because people often compliment the dress or the party, but they generally just tolerate the ceremony, and it meant so much to have so many people tell us that that was their favorite part of the wedding too.
Not everything was perfect, not by a long shot. So much went wrong the day of the wedding that I doubt I even remember it all. But our wedding was still amazing, and I managed to let the things that went wrong slide off and not ruin the day. I don't know if I can call it the best day of my life, but it's certainly up there, and it was beyond any doubt the best party I will ever attend.
And I look forward to sharing it all with you...in a few weeks when I've recovered from jet lag and the general exhaustion that still hangs over me.
Until then, I leave you with this:
Thursday, August 11, 2011
It All Ends
I am leaving tomorrow morning, so I figured I'd better do my goodbye post tonight. I've been so busy I feel like I haven't really had time to process all of this.
A lot of things have gone wrong or gone differently from the way we'd planned. I haven't even told you about the biggest thing that happened a few weeks ago that changed everything. We're lucky we're even having a wedding at this point.
I've definitely been stressed, but ever since people started arriving and helping us, it's been OK. Even though we've only seen a few people so far, it's been nice to see them. And whatever happens on Saturday, that is what I'm going to concentrate on: having our friends and family all together in one place, getting to see all of the people we haven't seen a long time or won't see for a long time.
My mom keeps saying that she's glad we're doing a lot of things ourselves because she feels like she really gets to be a part of the wedding and gets to know our close friends in a way that would never be possible at the wedding alone. I don't know how I feel about that, but I'm glad that all of the people who are helping us are having at least an OK time.
I'm not going to say that no matter what happens on Saturday at least Daniel and I will be married because we can get married anytime. However, no matter what happens on Saturday, we will get to see everyone, and that should make for a good time. And no matter what happens, we'll get to go to Jamaica (unless there's a hurricane--seriously, pray for me), and THAT will be AWESOME.
OK, I know I'm sort of rambling, but then again, that's usually what I do on here anyway. Anyway, on the subject of people I care about, I want to thank each and every one of you for being there with me along this journey. Without you, the wedding would have been a chore to a large extent, but I had so much fun planning and discussing with you! From excitement to heartbreak to ever-increasing frustration to sadness to overwhelming joy, you have been with me every step of the way, you have been there to laud and commiserate, but mostly importantly, you have been there for me, and I love you. Even though I have never met and never will meet most of you, I love you because you shared this journey with me.
Thank you all. And I look forward to recapping with you!
A lot of things have gone wrong or gone differently from the way we'd planned. I haven't even told you about the biggest thing that happened a few weeks ago that changed everything. We're lucky we're even having a wedding at this point.
I've definitely been stressed, but ever since people started arriving and helping us, it's been OK. Even though we've only seen a few people so far, it's been nice to see them. And whatever happens on Saturday, that is what I'm going to concentrate on: having our friends and family all together in one place, getting to see all of the people we haven't seen a long time or won't see for a long time.
My mom keeps saying that she's glad we're doing a lot of things ourselves because she feels like she really gets to be a part of the wedding and gets to know our close friends in a way that would never be possible at the wedding alone. I don't know how I feel about that, but I'm glad that all of the people who are helping us are having at least an OK time.
I'm not going to say that no matter what happens on Saturday at least Daniel and I will be married because we can get married anytime. However, no matter what happens on Saturday, we will get to see everyone, and that should make for a good time. And no matter what happens, we'll get to go to Jamaica (unless there's a hurricane--seriously, pray for me), and THAT will be AWESOME.
OK, I know I'm sort of rambling, but then again, that's usually what I do on here anyway. Anyway, on the subject of people I care about, I want to thank each and every one of you for being there with me along this journey. Without you, the wedding would have been a chore to a large extent, but I had so much fun planning and discussing with you! From excitement to heartbreak to ever-increasing frustration to sadness to overwhelming joy, you have been with me every step of the way, you have been there to laud and commiserate, but mostly importantly, you have been there for me, and I love you. Even though I have never met and never will meet most of you, I love you because you shared this journey with me.
Thank you all. And I look forward to recapping with you!
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