The Really Bad Stuff

Well, now that it's over I can FINALLY tell you about what happened 3 weeks before the wedding.

Daniel's mom has been having trouble for a long time.  She got laid off about a year-and-a-half ago and has barely worked since.  As her financial situation deteriorated, so did her mental state.  This wasn't exactly the start of it.  She's been a hoarder, the kind you see on Oprah and reality shows, for years, and it is my understanding that ever since she and Daniel's dad split up, she's had difficulty coping with, well, life.

But of course without any money, things became much worse.  Frankly, we have no idea how she's survived for so long without income, but suffice it to say that she's borrowed from everyone she knows, and everyone has given up on her except for Daniel.

When she told him that she was not coming to the wedding in early July, things began to change between them.  For the most part, Daniel has tried to placate her whenever they talk, trying to make her feel better about her situation, carefully choosing his words so as not to upset her.  It's exhausting and painful for me to watch; he's always upset after they talk.  But after hearing that his own mother did not want to attend his wedding, Daniel stopped trying to be nice to her and started actively trying to help her situation even though she fought him every step of the way.  He desperately wanted to get her in a mental position where she could come to the wedding, and failing that, wanted to at least get her on the road to recovery.

I was in Catalina, ready to be all relaxed and not thinking about the wedding or the other crap that was going on, when I got a phone call from Daniel.  His aunt had just received a call herself from the police department, saying that they had received an email from Daniel's mom saying that they would find a dead body in her house.  When they investigated (complete with SWAT team and helicopter), they found no one home.

Fortunately, her suicide attempt failed, and she had gone to stay with a friend.  When the police found her, they put her in the hospital.

Daniel immediately flew down to San Diego to help, and he and his aunt were able to keep his mom in the hospital for the weeks leading up to the wedding.  There was a lot more to it than that, but you don't really need to know about that.

Daniel didn't go back to work again until after we got back from our honeymoon.  Between trying to keep his mother alive, safe, and housed until we got back, trying to get things done for the wedding, and studying for the ethics exam he had to take a week before the wedding to get his BAR license, he didn't have time for his job.

It's hard to describe what this was like for me.  It was a million times worse for Daniel of course, and that was my main concern.  Above all, way above the wedding, I wanted to do what I could to be there for him.  But at the same time, I had already moved beyond stress and into the early stages of insanity about the wedding at this point.  It was really good that I was on vacation and didn't have so much as a computer with me when this happened, or I think my head would literally have exploded.  I'm also glad he did not take me up on coming down to help because I would not have gotten through the next 2 weeks without that break.

Daniel handled the situation extremely well.  His dad and I were both worried at first--Daniel often doesn't handle stress well--but we were both very impressive by how calm and focused he remained through it all.  At the end of the day, he was relieved that his mom was finally receiving help, and the relief overshadowed all of the other emotions he should have been feeling.  I'm amazed at how much he was able to do in such a short amount of time and that he did not let his mother's absence ruin the wedding.

For the most part, I think I handled it pretty well too.  There is no doubt that I had to shoulder an even greater part of the wedding planning burden because of it, and I made several comments I shouldn't have while trying to get through that, but on the whole, I think I was pretty supportive.  Though I must admit I'm very glad he didn't take me up on the offers I made to postpone the wedding.

But I will never forgive her for what she did to him.  Or me.  But mostly him.  I am far angrier with her than Daniel is.

I understand how much her situation sucks and why she would want to take her life as a result.  To be perfectly honest, the attempt did not surprise me though the timing did.  And if it had been after the wedding, I think I could have forgiven her eventually.  I would be sad that she did it and much sadder for how awful her death would be for Daniel, and I'm sure I would still be angry at her for doing that to him.  But in the end, I would understand why.

But the selfishness of doing it 3 weeks before her son's wedding I can never forgive.  I don't know if she thought about what her death would do to him, and I don't care.  If she was too stupid not to see how much that would affect him, then I cannot forgive the stupidity, and if she did think about it and did it anyway...I cannot describe the anger that boils inside me just thinking about it.  Daniel was already devastated that she wasn't coming to the wedding, and she knew that (or should have given the number of times he told her).  To think that she would upset her son that much more so close to his wedding is beyond my comprehension.

It's sad.  We could have had a good relationship once.  The thing about her is that she really is fun to be around when she's not freaking out.  I liked her for a long time.  Seeing what their conversations did to Daniel and trying to help the fallout pass when he got off the phone had already caused my opinion of her to plummet.  Still, there was hope for a good mother/daughter-in-law relationship before this.  Now, I can't see that happening, not unless she makes some really big changes in her life and sincerely repents everything that she put him through.  But even then, I'm not sure I could forgive her.  You don't mess with my Daniel and get away with it.

If nothing else, I think my insane stress level the last few weeks before the wedding was warranted.

I know we're not the only ones out there with these kinds of problems, so if you know someone whose mental state has deteriorated without substance abuse or a diagnosed mental illness, talk to us, and we'll try to help you.  We know how hard it is to find help or even a place to start in these situations, and we'd like to do whatever we can for you.

Money of a Non-Wedding Variety

I have often said that nothing is really going to change once we're married, and for the most part, that's true.  However, there is one really big thing that will be different once we're married, and that is the sharing of funds.

I'm pretty sensitive about money.  Part of this is just that I don't have much of it, but I can also get obsessively thrifty sometimes.  Not something I'm proud of, but it's better than the alternative, the alternative being my parents.

My parents are pretty much the opposite of savings.  Whenever they acquire money, it is spent quickly and effectively, and when they don't have money, things aren't much different.  They cannot save.  Don't get me wrong, they spend money on cool stuff like vacations and my brother and I, but they do have a tendency to spend money they don't have.  Now that they're getting older, this is becoming more and more of a problem, and they know it.

I'm pretty much the opposite of them.  I'm thrifty, I save, and I hate the idea of being in debt.  You know how when children's parents have problems (say, alcoholism), the children often emulate them or overcompensate?  I'm the latter.  I admit it freely.  I care too much about money (or rather, the lack thereof).  Which is especially stupid because I always thought my dad was an idiot for stressing out constantly about money (read:  my mother's spending habits).  Oh look, I emulate them AND go too far in the opposite direction!  Awesome!

Anyway, the idea of sharing everything monetary with someone else, even someone responsible like Daniel, terrifies me.  Legally, we will share earned income, debts, payments--everything.  And since neither of us has much money at the moment, and my husband-to-be has over $200,000 in student loans to pay off, I think my worries are legit.

But I am starting to be less concerned.  We've had lots of conversations about money and problems with shared money, and I think Daniel understands my concerns, and I understand why he doesn't share them.  The thing that really helped me realize how much this wouldn't change though is that we basically share funds already.  Not like we will when we're married--we have a very exact expense sheet, and we balance out how much each of us has paid for shared items every month, something we will not do when married--but when it comes to the big things, like one of us needing a little help or making decisions based on what we can afford, we already think of money collectively.  We based our ability to move the last few times on how much we could afford together, we haven't bought a second car because neither of us can afford it, and we based our rent options on what both of us could afford.  We've been making financial decisions as a couple for years.

I'm still a little nervous about sharing everything, but at least getting married will not make me legally responsible for Daniel's student loans.  And in all likelihood, the biggest change will be that we don't make sure everything is balanced out 100% equally, which really isn't that big of a deal.

And if I'm perfectly honest, I stand to gain more from shared funds in the long run anyway.  Marrying a lawyer does have its perks (btw, Daniel passed the bar!).

So I'm feeling better about it, but it's still an area where we'll have to tread carefully at first.  We'll fight about it and we'll try things out and figure out a system that works.

And hey, that's what marriage is all about, right?  I supposed there had to be something life-changing about it.

Were/are you worried about changes getting married will make to your finances?  Would you consider a pre-nup?  I thought about it, but, eh, I don't really feel the need.