Even now, almost three months after the wedding, everyone I see asks me the same question: "What's it like to be married?" "How does it feel being married?" "How's married life?"
And even now, I have only one answer: "I wouldn't know."
Strange as it may seem, it still hasn't hit me yet. I know we're married and that we've been married for a decent amount of time now, but I still don't think of myself as a wife or of Daniel as a husband. In fact, whenever I refer to Daniel, my thought process still goes something like this: "my...(boyfriend, no, fiance, no) husband..."
And anyone who calls me "Mrs. Hislastnameeventhoughitisminenowtoo" has a decent chance of being punched...or at least glared at.
I just don't think of us as a married couple, even among other married couples.
I'm not exactly sure why this is so hard for me to process. I think my age is one factor; I still sort of think I'm too young to be married, and that makes it hard to think of myself as married. But I think the main thing is that nothing has changed. Really, nothing in our relationship is different. I thought changing my name might help jolt my brain into realizing we're married, but I guess I don't talk about myself in the third person enough for it to process.
Anyway, I think it's interesting. I do wonder if my fear that being married would change things (not a big fear, but still something I thought about) has put me in denial. But I think really, it just doesn't matter that much. "Married" like "husband" or "wife" is a just a title. It doesn't mean anything.
Much as I hate how often people quote Shakespeare's "What's in a name" monologue (Names are important. Deal with it), it does seem to apply here. Calling our relationship a marriage doesn't actually change it.
Thoughts? Did it take you a while to think of yourself as "married"? Do you still not really think of yourselves that way? Did being married change your relationship?
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Sunday, September 18, 2011
The Really Bad Stuff
Well, now that it's over I can FINALLY tell you about what happened 3 weeks before the wedding.
Daniel's mom has been having trouble for a long time. She got laid off about a year-and-a-half ago and has barely worked since. As her financial situation deteriorated, so did her mental state. This wasn't exactly the start of it. She's been a hoarder, the kind you see on Oprah and reality shows, for years, and it is my understanding that ever since she and Daniel's dad split up, she's had difficulty coping with, well, life.
But of course without any money, things became much worse. Frankly, we have no idea how she's survived for so long without income, but suffice it to say that she's borrowed from everyone she knows, and everyone has given up on her except for Daniel.
When she told him that she was not coming to the wedding in early July, things began to change between them. For the most part, Daniel has tried to placate her whenever they talk, trying to make her feel better about her situation, carefully choosing his words so as not to upset her. It's exhausting and painful for me to watch; he's always upset after they talk. But after hearing that his own mother did not want to attend his wedding, Daniel stopped trying to be nice to her and started actively trying to help her situation even though she fought him every step of the way. He desperately wanted to get her in a mental position where she could come to the wedding, and failing that, wanted to at least get her on the road to recovery.
I was in Catalina, ready to be all relaxed and not thinking about the wedding or the other crap that was going on, when I got a phone call from Daniel. His aunt had just received a call herself from the police department, saying that they had received an email from Daniel's mom saying that they would find a dead body in her house. When they investigated (complete with SWAT team and helicopter), they found no one home.
Fortunately, her suicide attempt failed, and she had gone to stay with a friend. When the police found her, they put her in the hospital.
Daniel immediately flew down to San Diego to help, and he and his aunt were able to keep his mom in the hospital for the weeks leading up to the wedding. There was a lot more to it than that, but you don't really need to know about that.
Daniel didn't go back to work again until after we got back from our honeymoon. Between trying to keep his mother alive, safe, and housed until we got back, trying to get things done for the wedding, and studying for the ethics exam he had to take a week before the wedding to get his BAR license, he didn't have time for his job.
It's hard to describe what this was like for me. It was a million times worse for Daniel of course, and that was my main concern. Above all, way above the wedding, I wanted to do what I could to be there for him. But at the same time, I had already moved beyond stress and into the early stages of insanity about the wedding at this point. It was really good that I was on vacation and didn't have so much as a computer with me when this happened, or I think my head would literally have exploded. I'm also glad he did not take me up on coming down to help because I would not have gotten through the next 2 weeks without that break.
Daniel handled the situation extremely well. His dad and I were both worried at first--Daniel often doesn't handle stress well--but we were both very impressive by how calm and focused he remained through it all. At the end of the day, he was relieved that his mom was finally receiving help, and the relief overshadowed all of the other emotions he should have been feeling. I'm amazed at how much he was able to do in such a short amount of time and that he did not let his mother's absence ruin the wedding.
For the most part, I think I handled it pretty well too. There is no doubt that I had to shoulder an even greater part of the wedding planning burden because of it, and I made several comments I shouldn't have while trying to get through that, but on the whole, I think I was pretty supportive. Though I must admit I'm very glad he didn't take me up on the offers I made to postpone the wedding.
But I will never forgive her for what she did to him. Or me. But mostly him. I am far angrier with her than Daniel is.
I understand how much her situation sucks and why she would want to take her life as a result. To be perfectly honest, the attempt did not surprise me though the timing did. And if it had been after the wedding, I think I could have forgiven her eventually. I would be sad that she did it and much sadder for how awful her death would be for Daniel, and I'm sure I would still be angry at her for doing that to him. But in the end, I would understand why.
But the selfishness of doing it 3 weeks before her son's wedding I can never forgive. I don't know if she thought about what her death would do to him, and I don't care. If she was too stupid not to see how much that would affect him, then I cannot forgive the stupidity, and if she did think about it and did it anyway...I cannot describe the anger that boils inside me just thinking about it. Daniel was already devastated that she wasn't coming to the wedding, and she knew that (or should have given the number of times he told her). To think that she would upset her son that much more so close to his wedding is beyond my comprehension.
It's sad. We could have had a good relationship once. The thing about her is that she really is fun to be around when she's not freaking out. I liked her for a long time. Seeing what their conversations did to Daniel and trying to help the fallout pass when he got off the phone had already caused my opinion of her to plummet. Still, there was hope for a good mother/daughter-in-law relationship before this. Now, I can't see that happening, not unless she makes some really big changes in her life and sincerely repents everything that she put him through. But even then, I'm not sure I could forgive her. You don't mess with my Daniel and get away with it.
If nothing else, I think my insane stress level the last few weeks before the wedding was warranted.
I know we're not the only ones out there with these kinds of problems, so if you know someone whose mental state has deteriorated without substance abuse or a diagnosed mental illness, talk to us, and we'll try to help you. We know how hard it is to find help or even a place to start in these situations, and we'd like to do whatever we can for you.
Daniel's mom has been having trouble for a long time. She got laid off about a year-and-a-half ago and has barely worked since. As her financial situation deteriorated, so did her mental state. This wasn't exactly the start of it. She's been a hoarder, the kind you see on Oprah and reality shows, for years, and it is my understanding that ever since she and Daniel's dad split up, she's had difficulty coping with, well, life.
But of course without any money, things became much worse. Frankly, we have no idea how she's survived for so long without income, but suffice it to say that she's borrowed from everyone she knows, and everyone has given up on her except for Daniel.
When she told him that she was not coming to the wedding in early July, things began to change between them. For the most part, Daniel has tried to placate her whenever they talk, trying to make her feel better about her situation, carefully choosing his words so as not to upset her. It's exhausting and painful for me to watch; he's always upset after they talk. But after hearing that his own mother did not want to attend his wedding, Daniel stopped trying to be nice to her and started actively trying to help her situation even though she fought him every step of the way. He desperately wanted to get her in a mental position where she could come to the wedding, and failing that, wanted to at least get her on the road to recovery.
I was in Catalina, ready to be all relaxed and not thinking about the wedding or the other crap that was going on, when I got a phone call from Daniel. His aunt had just received a call herself from the police department, saying that they had received an email from Daniel's mom saying that they would find a dead body in her house. When they investigated (complete with SWAT team and helicopter), they found no one home.
Fortunately, her suicide attempt failed, and she had gone to stay with a friend. When the police found her, they put her in the hospital.
Daniel immediately flew down to San Diego to help, and he and his aunt were able to keep his mom in the hospital for the weeks leading up to the wedding. There was a lot more to it than that, but you don't really need to know about that.
Daniel didn't go back to work again until after we got back from our honeymoon. Between trying to keep his mother alive, safe, and housed until we got back, trying to get things done for the wedding, and studying for the ethics exam he had to take a week before the wedding to get his BAR license, he didn't have time for his job.
It's hard to describe what this was like for me. It was a million times worse for Daniel of course, and that was my main concern. Above all, way above the wedding, I wanted to do what I could to be there for him. But at the same time, I had already moved beyond stress and into the early stages of insanity about the wedding at this point. It was really good that I was on vacation and didn't have so much as a computer with me when this happened, or I think my head would literally have exploded. I'm also glad he did not take me up on coming down to help because I would not have gotten through the next 2 weeks without that break.
Daniel handled the situation extremely well. His dad and I were both worried at first--Daniel often doesn't handle stress well--but we were both very impressive by how calm and focused he remained through it all. At the end of the day, he was relieved that his mom was finally receiving help, and the relief overshadowed all of the other emotions he should have been feeling. I'm amazed at how much he was able to do in such a short amount of time and that he did not let his mother's absence ruin the wedding.
For the most part, I think I handled it pretty well too. There is no doubt that I had to shoulder an even greater part of the wedding planning burden because of it, and I made several comments I shouldn't have while trying to get through that, but on the whole, I think I was pretty supportive. Though I must admit I'm very glad he didn't take me up on the offers I made to postpone the wedding.
But I will never forgive her for what she did to him. Or me. But mostly him. I am far angrier with her than Daniel is.
I understand how much her situation sucks and why she would want to take her life as a result. To be perfectly honest, the attempt did not surprise me though the timing did. And if it had been after the wedding, I think I could have forgiven her eventually. I would be sad that she did it and much sadder for how awful her death would be for Daniel, and I'm sure I would still be angry at her for doing that to him. But in the end, I would understand why.
But the selfishness of doing it 3 weeks before her son's wedding I can never forgive. I don't know if she thought about what her death would do to him, and I don't care. If she was too stupid not to see how much that would affect him, then I cannot forgive the stupidity, and if she did think about it and did it anyway...I cannot describe the anger that boils inside me just thinking about it. Daniel was already devastated that she wasn't coming to the wedding, and she knew that (or should have given the number of times he told her). To think that she would upset her son that much more so close to his wedding is beyond my comprehension.
It's sad. We could have had a good relationship once. The thing about her is that she really is fun to be around when she's not freaking out. I liked her for a long time. Seeing what their conversations did to Daniel and trying to help the fallout pass when he got off the phone had already caused my opinion of her to plummet. Still, there was hope for a good mother/daughter-in-law relationship before this. Now, I can't see that happening, not unless she makes some really big changes in her life and sincerely repents everything that she put him through. But even then, I'm not sure I could forgive her. You don't mess with my Daniel and get away with it.
If nothing else, I think my insane stress level the last few weeks before the wedding was warranted.
I know we're not the only ones out there with these kinds of problems, so if you know someone whose mental state has deteriorated without substance abuse or a diagnosed mental illness, talk to us, and we'll try to help you. We know how hard it is to find help or even a place to start in these situations, and we'd like to do whatever we can for you.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
And So I'm Back!
For reals this time. Sorry again for the blatant absenteeism. I just can't stand staring at a screen for 8 hours and then coming home and doing it some more. It's been a real adjustment for me. So for the time being, I'll probably mostly be writing on the weekends. Maybe I'll try to do some posts that automatically spread themselves out. We'll see.
ANYWAY, part of the reason I haven't been on here is because I have nothing to report really. I'm working normal business hours now and commuting for 2 hours a day, so it's been really hard to try to get anything done wedding-wise, but we really need to get on it, so hopefully I'll have things to report soon.
For right now, let's talk about life. A couple of weeks ago, Daniel went to his 10 year high school reunion, and on Thursday, I turned 23. These things make you think about your life, and for us, this wasn't necessarily the most pleasant experience. He's still unemployed and trying to finish up law school when what he really wants to be doing is starting a real job (instead of looking for an easier to find temporary one) and studying for the BAR. Meanwhile, I'm very grateful to have found a job so quickly, but the attitude I've had toward finding a job is starting to worry me. I pretty much just concentrated on finding a job that paid decently that I could get, and while this job is better than some things I could be doing, it's not where I saw myself going a couple of years ago. I've become complacent about finding a career because the jobs I originally envisioned having are either far too competitive for me to get or are not available. Have I mentioned I hate this economy?
What I'm trying to get at is that a lot of us in our twenties are really discouraged about the job market, whether it be finding the job you want or just finding a job at all! And even though we're getting married which is at least some sort of accomplishment (you know what I mean), I for one feel like I failed at life a little bit by having such a ridiculously hard time finding a job last year and then being more concerned about a paycheck than a career this year.
But at the same time, getting married adds pressure to the system instead of adding financial support. We all know how much weddings cost, and I would like to have enough money saved by next summer to have a little buffer zone in case we go over budget (and let's face it, we all go over budget too, especially those of us with little budget to begin with). Plus there's that whole I don't want to be away from my partner or plan the wedding from afar thing which seriously inhibits my ability to find a job. And I don't want my WEDDING to interfere with my career, but at the same time, I really want to enjoy my wedding.
OK, clearly this post fails at organization. I guess, I just feel like life is hard enough right now, and I'm a little peeved at my wedding for adding pressure. Of course, I also am so grateful to have someone to share that pressure with, and I have truly enjoyed having an excuse to write and having something to look forward to, so maybe it's not such a burden. I guess I'm still a little jealous of my friends who truly have the freedom to do whatever they want (if they can get a job they don't hate), go wherever they want, and spend their money on whatever they can afford while I have to plan around someone else and am currently supporting that person (though I've got to admit, I'm pretty happy that I am capable of supporting someone else. I never thought that I would be the bread winner in the relationship, and even though it's temporary, I feel like that's an accomplishment).
So in conclusion, the economy sucks, getting married in this economy sucks, but wanting to get married to your partner definitely doesn't suck.
Most of you are older than me. How's your career going? Do you have any advice for someone trying to get started in life?
ANYWAY, part of the reason I haven't been on here is because I have nothing to report really. I'm working normal business hours now and commuting for 2 hours a day, so it's been really hard to try to get anything done wedding-wise, but we really need to get on it, so hopefully I'll have things to report soon.
For right now, let's talk about life. A couple of weeks ago, Daniel went to his 10 year high school reunion, and on Thursday, I turned 23. These things make you think about your life, and for us, this wasn't necessarily the most pleasant experience. He's still unemployed and trying to finish up law school when what he really wants to be doing is starting a real job (instead of looking for an easier to find temporary one) and studying for the BAR. Meanwhile, I'm very grateful to have found a job so quickly, but the attitude I've had toward finding a job is starting to worry me. I pretty much just concentrated on finding a job that paid decently that I could get, and while this job is better than some things I could be doing, it's not where I saw myself going a couple of years ago. I've become complacent about finding a career because the jobs I originally envisioned having are either far too competitive for me to get or are not available. Have I mentioned I hate this economy?
What I'm trying to get at is that a lot of us in our twenties are really discouraged about the job market, whether it be finding the job you want or just finding a job at all! And even though we're getting married which is at least some sort of accomplishment (you know what I mean), I for one feel like I failed at life a little bit by having such a ridiculously hard time finding a job last year and then being more concerned about a paycheck than a career this year.
But at the same time, getting married adds pressure to the system instead of adding financial support. We all know how much weddings cost, and I would like to have enough money saved by next summer to have a little buffer zone in case we go over budget (and let's face it, we all go over budget too, especially those of us with little budget to begin with). Plus there's that whole I don't want to be away from my partner or plan the wedding from afar thing which seriously inhibits my ability to find a job. And I don't want my WEDDING to interfere with my career, but at the same time, I really want to enjoy my wedding.
OK, clearly this post fails at organization. I guess, I just feel like life is hard enough right now, and I'm a little peeved at my wedding for adding pressure. Of course, I also am so grateful to have someone to share that pressure with, and I have truly enjoyed having an excuse to write and having something to look forward to, so maybe it's not such a burden. I guess I'm still a little jealous of my friends who truly have the freedom to do whatever they want (if they can get a job they don't hate), go wherever they want, and spend their money on whatever they can afford while I have to plan around someone else and am currently supporting that person (though I've got to admit, I'm pretty happy that I am capable of supporting someone else. I never thought that I would be the bread winner in the relationship, and even though it's temporary, I feel like that's an accomplishment).
So in conclusion, the economy sucks, getting married in this economy sucks, but wanting to get married to your partner definitely doesn't suck.
Most of you are older than me. How's your career going? Do you have any advice for someone trying to get started in life?
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Daniel and I both love dogs, and after seeing some totally awesome "wedding dog" gear, I was totally into having my dog be our wedding dog.
I mean really, aren't these adorable?
I mean really, aren't these adorable?
Wedding Dog Bandana
All right, so Yeller would never actually abide being dressed up like that--particularly because he's a boy--but I still think it's cute.
Anyway, aside from the cuteness, Yeller has been an immensely important part of my life. We got him when I was seven and volunteering at an animal shelter. Up until that point, I had always thought of myself as a cat person (I've had six cats in my life and had three at the time), but Yeller completely changed my mind. He was always there for me when I was sad, was always sweet and caring and sensitive to others' needs before his own. I know everyone thinks their dog is the best dog in the world, but he really was special. He is the best person I have ever known.
I'd love to have all of my animals at my wedding, but I would just feel weird not having Yeller there. He means much more to me than many of the relatives and even friends that will be attending, and I can't imagine going through such a big step in my life without him. So I've been on the look out for ways to incorporate him into the wedding.
I'd tell you about the ideas I've had except it doesn't matter now. He died on Sunday.
Once I had stopped crying for a bit and become coherent enough to think, I started thinking about the fact that he won't be there for my wedding. That got me thinking about all of the other people/pets who have passed or just won't be able to come. Between the two of us, Daniel and I have three grandparents, three dogs, five cats, and who knows how many guests who will be absent. I would like to be able to honor them and make their presence known somehow.
So I'm thinking about doing a small table with pictures of people (used loosely) who we wish could be there, so it will seem a little more like they're there in spirit. I think this would mean a lot to our families, and it might make us feel a little better about the souls we wish could come.
Other than that, we'll just have to hope they're there in spirit.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Friendship
All right, I'm breaking down and doing a life post. Because frankly life matters more to me than the wedding right now.
I'm not the girl who always had a million friends. I'm the girl who always had a few close friends with whom I had cultivated friendships over many years.
Given the length of time I tend to put into relationships, the fact that I move constantly (I have lived in this apartment almost a year which is the longest I've lived in one place since high school) makes life difficult for me in the making friends department. I've gotten a lot better at it since starting college, but it's still difficult for me to feel close to someone that I know I'm only going to be around for a few months. Add to that the fact that starting a friendship is like work to me and that I really just wanted to be around Daniel this year after being apart for two years, and you'll see why I've had trouble making friends here.
That is, until recently.
My life is generally ruled by irony. So of course of the five jobs I've had in Chicago, the last one is the one in which I've met people I really like. Don't get me wrong, there are some people from other jobs that I've cultivated friendships with and that I still hang out with, but it wasn't until I started working at the census that I really found my niche.
Not that my job is glamorous or anything, but given the current economic suckiness, there are a lot of smart, capable, well-educated people working at the census. And the people I work with are really amazing.
We get on really well. We have for a long time, but it wasn't until people started leaving that we all started hanging out together outside of work (See? See the irony that is my life?). So now I actually care about these people, and I'm totally going to miss them when I leave in two weeks, and I'm also probably never going to see them again.
Sigh.
And now comes my lame attempt to tie this into marriage. You see, I'm one of those people who tends to get really wrapped up in their relationship (read: when I'm in a relationship, I kind of ignore my friends). I've made an effort to limit this effect since I've been with Daniel because things were always going to be more permanent with Daniel, and I didn't want to look back on my life at some point and realize I have no close friends.
Still, I worry. During my second year of college, the first year Daniel and I were together, I definitely used him as too singular a source of entertainment. When we were apart, and I didn't have him to fall back on, I definitely created stronger friendships with other people, one of whom will be a bridesmaid. But this year I've fallen back to my old ways a little more than I probably should have.
This is actually bad for our relationship. We love spending time together, so it's easy for us to only hang out with each other. However, there are some interests that we just don't share, and it's good to have friends with whom we can do the things the other doesn't care for. And of course it's always good to have friends anyway!
I worry that married life will lead me to not have close friends down the road. I have reason: my parents. Neither of them really hang out with anyone else. This can be a problem as my dad is gone half the year, especially since I'm not living anywhere near home anymore, and my brother has been the very definition of a teenager since I left, and now he's going to college too. My mom says she doesn't mind being alone, but she still gets lonely sometimes.
I could easily become that after having kids, and I really don't want to.
So I've made a pact with myself to not let my friends slip away after I get married or even after I have kids. They're too important for that, and so is having people in my life besides family.
Ah, but here comes that irony again. As I've said before, I really want to travel. Traveling means making new friends...that you will never or rarely see again when you come home. Something I've definitely already experienced.
I'm pretty good at keeping in touch with people long distance, but when you have to keep in touch with EVERYONE that way, it just becomes too much. You have to pick and choose, and there's still a lot of work that goes into the people you do choose, and sometimes I just can't bring myself to make all the phone calls or write all the letters or emails or whatever (read: I'm sorry I haven't made contact with you for three months, forgive me, I'm coming home soon!).
It's easy to let the far away people go.
But if you travel all the time, that's everyone.
And it is for that reason that it's probably good that Daniel doesn't want to spend a big chunk of our lives traveling. Because close, personal relationships are important to me, and the longer I'm away from my friends at home, and the more it pains me to say goodbye to my friends here, the more I think it might be good for me to be grounded. Because in the end, relationships really do matter more than touching all seven continents.
I guess that's kind of why I'm getting married so young.
I'm not the girl who always had a million friends. I'm the girl who always had a few close friends with whom I had cultivated friendships over many years.
Given the length of time I tend to put into relationships, the fact that I move constantly (I have lived in this apartment almost a year which is the longest I've lived in one place since high school) makes life difficult for me in the making friends department. I've gotten a lot better at it since starting college, but it's still difficult for me to feel close to someone that I know I'm only going to be around for a few months. Add to that the fact that starting a friendship is like work to me and that I really just wanted to be around Daniel this year after being apart for two years, and you'll see why I've had trouble making friends here.
That is, until recently.
My life is generally ruled by irony. So of course of the five jobs I've had in Chicago, the last one is the one in which I've met people I really like. Don't get me wrong, there are some people from other jobs that I've cultivated friendships with and that I still hang out with, but it wasn't until I started working at the census that I really found my niche.
Not that my job is glamorous or anything, but given the current economic suckiness, there are a lot of smart, capable, well-educated people working at the census. And the people I work with are really amazing.
We get on really well. We have for a long time, but it wasn't until people started leaving that we all started hanging out together outside of work (See? See the irony that is my life?). So now I actually care about these people, and I'm totally going to miss them when I leave in two weeks, and I'm also probably never going to see them again.
Sigh.
And now comes my lame attempt to tie this into marriage. You see, I'm one of those people who tends to get really wrapped up in their relationship (read: when I'm in a relationship, I kind of ignore my friends). I've made an effort to limit this effect since I've been with Daniel because things were always going to be more permanent with Daniel, and I didn't want to look back on my life at some point and realize I have no close friends.
Still, I worry. During my second year of college, the first year Daniel and I were together, I definitely used him as too singular a source of entertainment. When we were apart, and I didn't have him to fall back on, I definitely created stronger friendships with other people, one of whom will be a bridesmaid. But this year I've fallen back to my old ways a little more than I probably should have.
This is actually bad for our relationship. We love spending time together, so it's easy for us to only hang out with each other. However, there are some interests that we just don't share, and it's good to have friends with whom we can do the things the other doesn't care for. And of course it's always good to have friends anyway!
I worry that married life will lead me to not have close friends down the road. I have reason: my parents. Neither of them really hang out with anyone else. This can be a problem as my dad is gone half the year, especially since I'm not living anywhere near home anymore, and my brother has been the very definition of a teenager since I left, and now he's going to college too. My mom says she doesn't mind being alone, but she still gets lonely sometimes.
I could easily become that after having kids, and I really don't want to.
So I've made a pact with myself to not let my friends slip away after I get married or even after I have kids. They're too important for that, and so is having people in my life besides family.
Ah, but here comes that irony again. As I've said before, I really want to travel. Traveling means making new friends...that you will never or rarely see again when you come home. Something I've definitely already experienced.
I'm pretty good at keeping in touch with people long distance, but when you have to keep in touch with EVERYONE that way, it just becomes too much. You have to pick and choose, and there's still a lot of work that goes into the people you do choose, and sometimes I just can't bring myself to make all the phone calls or write all the letters or emails or whatever (read: I'm sorry I haven't made contact with you for three months, forgive me, I'm coming home soon!).
It's easy to let the far away people go.
But if you travel all the time, that's everyone.
And it is for that reason that it's probably good that Daniel doesn't want to spend a big chunk of our lives traveling. Because close, personal relationships are important to me, and the longer I'm away from my friends at home, and the more it pains me to say goodbye to my friends here, the more I think it might be good for me to be grounded. Because in the end, relationships really do matter more than touching all seven continents.
I guess that's kind of why I'm getting married so young.
People I Miss
All Personal Photos or Friends' Personal Photos
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Putting It All out There
If you have not done so already, go read this guest post by A Cupcake Wedding right now: http://www.sourismariage.com/2010/07/this-one-is-from-cupcake-wedding-on-how.html.
OK, have you read it now? Good.
This should have been soothing to me and delightful to hear. I can identify with all of her fears/problems...except for the decent job part. So I should have the same moment of clarity, right?
Eh, I sort of did, but the thing about epiphanies is that when the moment has passed, the clarity often goes with it.
I am a young bride. Daniel and I met when I was 18, and that has given me no shortage of trouble ever since. I was SO naive when I was 18. I thought I was ready to meet the man I wanted to marry because I was sick of dating. I had no idea of what restraints being in that kind of relationship would mean for me. Back then, I thought meeting the right person would mean you were absolutely certain about him being "The One" and that you would never, ever have doubts about it. Now I just laugh at that, especially the enormity of the concept of "The One."
I am so grateful for Daniel and so happy that we'll have so much time together. But there are definitely times when I wish we had met later.
When I was 18, I wanted to be a travel writer. I wanted to travel all over the world and have adventures and experience everything. It didn't take long for me to realize that that wasn't going to work when I was in a committed relationship. And in the end, even if I hadn't had a serious boyfriend when I graduated college, I probably would have given up on the travel writing thing eventually because it's SO hard to get into (in a way that actually pays enough money for you to live) that my preference to have a family and be there for them would have won out in the end anyway.
And yet...
I still want to travel, I want to live in a third world country, I want to see as much of the world as I can...and I kind of want the freedom to do those things without having to always take someone else into account.
I really worry that I'll never be able to find a career that I love because it will be so much harder for me to pursue it when thinking about someone else's career as well, especially since I don't really know what I want to do yet.
And I worry about what my marriage will do for my life. There are just some things that we don't have in common. I'm a very active person, and I like to be out doing something a lot of the time. Daniel, less so. Daniel's main recreational activity is gaming in one form of another, the appeal of which is totally lost on me. Both of these things have always been a source of contention, and they probably always will be. For us to live together, I have accepted that if I want to go out all the time, sometimes I'll have to do it with friends or on my own. I also have accepted that Daniel is going to spend a significant amount of time on gaming that could have been spent with me, and he has accepted that I'm just not interested and more importantly that he can't spend all of his free time on games.
We're not perfect, and accordingly we're not perfectly suited to each other in every way.
Here's why we're getting married anyway:
We compromise:
I'm never going to find someone better. I am absolutely certain of this. Different and also good, sure, maybe. But never better. And Daniel is just so awesome in so many ways. When it comes down to core values, compatibility, and just having fun together, Daniel is it, and I could never give him up.
We're different people. We like and want different things. But when it comes down to what we really want out of life, we want the same thing: a family that we love and care about above all else. That makes it easier to give the other things up.
There are still things I wish I could be single for, but one way or another, Daniel and I will make it work because that's what we want. I think it's OK to want other things sometimes because, well, that's life. Life's hard. Relationships are hard. Everyone says you have to work at it everyday, but in the end, it's so worth it. So in the end, I know who I want to spend my life with, and everything else will have to be worked out in time.
OK, have you read it now? Good.
This should have been soothing to me and delightful to hear. I can identify with all of her fears/problems...except for the decent job part. So I should have the same moment of clarity, right?
Eh, I sort of did, but the thing about epiphanies is that when the moment has passed, the clarity often goes with it.
I am a young bride. Daniel and I met when I was 18, and that has given me no shortage of trouble ever since. I was SO naive when I was 18. I thought I was ready to meet the man I wanted to marry because I was sick of dating. I had no idea of what restraints being in that kind of relationship would mean for me. Back then, I thought meeting the right person would mean you were absolutely certain about him being "The One" and that you would never, ever have doubts about it. Now I just laugh at that, especially the enormity of the concept of "The One."
I am so grateful for Daniel and so happy that we'll have so much time together. But there are definitely times when I wish we had met later.
When I was 18, I wanted to be a travel writer. I wanted to travel all over the world and have adventures and experience everything. It didn't take long for me to realize that that wasn't going to work when I was in a committed relationship. And in the end, even if I hadn't had a serious boyfriend when I graduated college, I probably would have given up on the travel writing thing eventually because it's SO hard to get into (in a way that actually pays enough money for you to live) that my preference to have a family and be there for them would have won out in the end anyway.
And yet...
I still want to travel, I want to live in a third world country, I want to see as much of the world as I can...and I kind of want the freedom to do those things without having to always take someone else into account.
I really worry that I'll never be able to find a career that I love because it will be so much harder for me to pursue it when thinking about someone else's career as well, especially since I don't really know what I want to do yet.
And I worry about what my marriage will do for my life. There are just some things that we don't have in common. I'm a very active person, and I like to be out doing something a lot of the time. Daniel, less so. Daniel's main recreational activity is gaming in one form of another, the appeal of which is totally lost on me. Both of these things have always been a source of contention, and they probably always will be. For us to live together, I have accepted that if I want to go out all the time, sometimes I'll have to do it with friends or on my own. I also have accepted that Daniel is going to spend a significant amount of time on gaming that could have been spent with me, and he has accepted that I'm just not interested and more importantly that he can't spend all of his free time on games.
We're not perfect, and accordingly we're not perfectly suited to each other in every way.
Here's why we're getting married anyway:
We compromise:
- Daniel has agreed to travel with me, including spending a year abroad. There will still be restrictions, like I'll have to find a program that will pay enough for him to keep paying off his loans, and I won't be able to travel as much as I would have liked, but it's good enough.
- Daniel has assured me that he will support me in any career that I choose, including living somewhere where that will be doable. At the same time, I know that it's important for him to at least get his career started, and if he gets a job in Podunknowheresville, CA, that's where we're going to have to go for a while. Because the economy is just that bad. BUT he has also promised me that he will apply to jobs in Hawaii :).
- As for the day to day life stuff, we've been steadily improving on the "making it work" scale for the last four years, and even though it will always be a struggle, I am confident that we can be reasonably happy with the arrangement. I make him come out with me sometimes, and I acknowledge that sometimes staying in is OK. And I have played so many more games since I met Daniel than I ever had before, and some of them are OK (Munchkin and Once upon a Time are my favorites). The thing that really gives me confidence in this area is that Daniel may be a geek, but having real life experiences is important to him too, so at least when we got out, he enjoys it. It's not like I really have to drag him out of the house, and he does plan outings sometimes too.
I'm never going to find someone better. I am absolutely certain of this. Different and also good, sure, maybe. But never better. And Daniel is just so awesome in so many ways. When it comes down to core values, compatibility, and just having fun together, Daniel is it, and I could never give him up.
We're different people. We like and want different things. But when it comes down to what we really want out of life, we want the same thing: a family that we love and care about above all else. That makes it easier to give the other things up.
There are still things I wish I could be single for, but one way or another, Daniel and I will make it work because that's what we want. I think it's OK to want other things sometimes because, well, that's life. Life's hard. Relationships are hard. Everyone says you have to work at it everyday, but in the end, it's so worth it. So in the end, I know who I want to spend my life with, and everything else will have to be worked out in time.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
When did this happen?
OK, brief break from strictly wedding stuff to discuss the nature of Daniel's and my relationship as of right now.
I've been saying for ages that for all practical purposes, Daniel and I are already married. The only thing that I expected to actually change after marriage was that we would start sharing money. Daniel would be fine with doing that now, but as I have only been out of college and thus paying for everything myself for a year, I put my foot down and said that I wanted to have financial independence until we got married. I wanted to prove to myself that I could make it with just my money at some point in my life.
Anyway, I bring this up because I just realized that Daniel and I aren't really thinking about his money and my money anymore. When we have to make financial decisions, we base them off of how much money we have together.
I do not know how to feel about this exactly. On the one hand, this makes me feel like I'm shirking my duty to myself to feel independent. However, it seems that for the first time in our relationship, I'm actually better off financially than Daniel. I mean, if we count his student loans, I've been better off for a while, but I tend to just count how much money each of us has in the immediate sense since that seems to actually affect our lives more. And now that I have a new job :D, and Daniel's not sure if he'll be able to get financial aid for his summer class, I'm actually going to have more money than him in the very near future.
I think that makes the sharing money concept OK with me because I only was worried about never being financially independent. Being the one pulling more weight financially is something I'm totally fine with, mostly because it will probably never happen again, and I would like to enjoy it while it lasts.
Besides, it's probably good to ease into sharing money because I know I'm going to have problems adjusting to that one. Let's just say that the two of us don't always agree on what's worth spending money on, and when money is tight, that could be a source of contention. So I think maybe this is actually good. We'll have to make major financial decisions together before getting married, and then maybe agreeing on (or at least living with) less significant ones afterward will be easier.
So, married people, is it hard to share everything financially? Or does that make things easier since it's all one big pool? Unmarried (and married actually) people, how do you feel about waiting to do some things until you're married? Is there anything that's important to you to wait on? Why?
I've been saying for ages that for all practical purposes, Daniel and I are already married. The only thing that I expected to actually change after marriage was that we would start sharing money. Daniel would be fine with doing that now, but as I have only been out of college and thus paying for everything myself for a year, I put my foot down and said that I wanted to have financial independence until we got married. I wanted to prove to myself that I could make it with just my money at some point in my life.
Anyway, I bring this up because I just realized that Daniel and I aren't really thinking about his money and my money anymore. When we have to make financial decisions, we base them off of how much money we have together.
I do not know how to feel about this exactly. On the one hand, this makes me feel like I'm shirking my duty to myself to feel independent. However, it seems that for the first time in our relationship, I'm actually better off financially than Daniel. I mean, if we count his student loans, I've been better off for a while, but I tend to just count how much money each of us has in the immediate sense since that seems to actually affect our lives more. And now that I have a new job :D, and Daniel's not sure if he'll be able to get financial aid for his summer class, I'm actually going to have more money than him in the very near future.
I think that makes the sharing money concept OK with me because I only was worried about never being financially independent. Being the one pulling more weight financially is something I'm totally fine with, mostly because it will probably never happen again, and I would like to enjoy it while it lasts.
Besides, it's probably good to ease into sharing money because I know I'm going to have problems adjusting to that one. Let's just say that the two of us don't always agree on what's worth spending money on, and when money is tight, that could be a source of contention. So I think maybe this is actually good. We'll have to make major financial decisions together before getting married, and then maybe agreeing on (or at least living with) less significant ones afterward will be easier.
So, married people, is it hard to share everything financially? Or does that make things easier since it's all one big pool? Unmarried (and married actually) people, how do you feel about waiting to do some things until you're married? Is there anything that's important to you to wait on? Why?
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Alright, it's personal post time
Daniel and I are no strangers to long distance relationships. We basically started out in one, and then a year after we had been living together, we spent four months being 6,000 miles apart before being a measly 2,000 miles apart until we had been in a long distance relationship for 2 years (summers excluded). Obviously, it has been really, really nice for us to have been living together for almost a year straight without having to worry about moving apart again.
Right now, Daniel is still in CA because the lucky bastard gets 2 weeks for Spring Break. He's coming home tomorrow, but right now, I pretty much haven't seen him in a week, and I really miss him. And you know what? It feels GREAT! It is so awesome to miss someone even when you know you're going to see him again in less than a week instead of resigning yourself to not seeing him again for 2 months. I LOVE being able to be a normal couple who only takes normal lengths of time apart.
Which brings me to the point I think I was trying to make. I have a certain, shall we say, attraction to jobs that involve traveling. This may have something to do with the fact that I love traveling (I mean, maybe it's just possible the two are connected). One of the hardest things about committing to marrying Daniel for me was knowing that I wouldn't get to run off to various foreign countries and live there for years. I'd still like to do a year in South America or Asia at some point, but it's so much more complicated when you have to take someone's elses opinions, career, and life into account.
But it's times like this that remind me that being with Daniel is so much more important to me than exploring the world. When I was traveling Europe for five weeks straight, I was miserable half the time because I missed him and wanted him to be there with me. When I'm traveling alone, I'm always thinking about what Daniel would love to see. And when I'm exhausted because babies have been screaming at me all day, and I'm stressed out because I have no money, coming home to Daniel reminds me that leaving my friends and family and moving to the frozen landscape that is Chicago was totally worth it because I get to be with him.
Because we've spent so much time apart, I really don't take the time we have together for granted. Still, it's nice to be reminded of how integral Daniel is to my happiness.
Right now, Daniel is still in CA because the lucky bastard gets 2 weeks for Spring Break. He's coming home tomorrow, but right now, I pretty much haven't seen him in a week, and I really miss him. And you know what? It feels GREAT! It is so awesome to miss someone even when you know you're going to see him again in less than a week instead of resigning yourself to not seeing him again for 2 months. I LOVE being able to be a normal couple who only takes normal lengths of time apart.
Which brings me to the point I think I was trying to make. I have a certain, shall we say, attraction to jobs that involve traveling. This may have something to do with the fact that I love traveling (I mean, maybe it's just possible the two are connected). One of the hardest things about committing to marrying Daniel for me was knowing that I wouldn't get to run off to various foreign countries and live there for years. I'd still like to do a year in South America or Asia at some point, but it's so much more complicated when you have to take someone's elses opinions, career, and life into account.
But it's times like this that remind me that being with Daniel is so much more important to me than exploring the world. When I was traveling Europe for five weeks straight, I was miserable half the time because I missed him and wanted him to be there with me. When I'm traveling alone, I'm always thinking about what Daniel would love to see. And when I'm exhausted because babies have been screaming at me all day, and I'm stressed out because I have no money, coming home to Daniel reminds me that leaving my friends and family and moving to the frozen landscape that is Chicago was totally worth it because I get to be with him.
Because we've spent so much time apart, I really don't take the time we have together for granted. Still, it's nice to be reminded of how integral Daniel is to my happiness.
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